It’s the most wonderful time of the season, rose lovers: The two-on-one dates are here! We begin this week with Harrison dropping the bomb on the “ladies” at Casa Bachelor, but at least he tempers it with some good news: “I’m going to need all of you to go pack your bags. You’ll be embarking on a world-wide journey to find love with Sean!” Wooooo! And your journey begins in… Montana. Um, woooo? (I bet they feel like Wayne and Garth visiting Delaware right about now.)
But once they pull up to the Lodge at Whitefish Lake, the “ladies” seem pretty psyched to be in the land of pine trees and majestic mountain beauty. “I get to see my boyfriend — yaaaay!” cheers Daniella. (Wait, she has a boyfriend? Then what is she doing on this show?) But it’s Lindsay who gets the first one-on-one date, which begins with a helicopter tour of Glacier National Park and a picnic at Blackfeet Indian Reservation. While Sean admits Lindsay’s wedding dress prank on night one almost made him think she was “too crazy” for him, he’s clearly done a 180, because now he can’t stop eating her face. They come up for air at dinner long enough to talk about Lindsay’s relationship with her dad — he was away at war during most of her adolescence, and she always lived in fear of losing him — but soon after that it’s back to making out. Of course she gets the rose, and then a pretty blonde named Sarah Darling serenades Sean and Lindsay as they dance atop a raised platform in the town square, bathed in the soft blue light of hundreds of smart phones held aloft by admiring Montanans.
Meanwhile, back at the lodge: Knock knock knock, it’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! And this time, the “ladies” greet his arrival with trepidation; they know that whoever isn’t listed as part of the group date will be entering the two-on-one cage match. Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, and Daniella are safe, so that means it’ll be Jackie and Tiny T will be rumblin’ for the rose. Tierra, who’s grinning like a maniac, already thinks she’s got it in the bag. “I’m, like, so excited, just because I’ve been on so many group dates,” she chirps to the “ladies,” who don’t even try to hide their disdain. “I’ll just go with my gut, and it’s usually always right.”
The next day, Sean meets his harem out in a bucolic pasture, where Harrison holds court alongside some goats, canoes, and bales of hay. (“Are those dogs?” asks one of the women — no doubt dear, sweet, dumb Daniella — as they approach.) Looks like this group date is going to be part Survivor, part Bachelor Pad, and all stupid. “Welcome to The Bachelor‘s Montana Wilderness Relay Race!” announces Harrison, explaining that two teams of four will have a canoe race, move some hay bales, saw through a 12-inch log, and then milk a goat. “But wait! One or more of you must drink the goat’s milk to complete the competition,” continues Harrison, as Robyn throws up a little bit in her mouth. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, Sarah doesn’t think that having one arm is going to hold her back in this competition.)
NEXT: Chug! Chug! Chug!