Good morning, rose lovers. Thanks for coming. Whatever fresh faux-romance hell awaits us this week, I’m glad we can face it together.
“My goal going into last week was to make sure that the girls felt comfortable with me,” says Shirted Confessional Sean, as Shirtless Boxer-Brief Sean strolls into the bathroom for his morning Bachelor ablutions. “This week I want to make sure that the girls trust me.” One exceptionally gratuitous close-up of Sean’s ass later, and we’re ready to start breakin’ some hearts. Lesley does the date card honors: “Selma, let’s turn up the heat!” It’s a fitting message, as Selma views this as an opportunity to put her vague-yet-still-frighteningly-specific Life Plan into motion: “I’m so excited,” she coos. “He’s finally going to get the real me. And then I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then have babies!” And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why straight men fear women.
Moving on, Sean arrives and whisks his “lady” off to a private plane, where she drapes herself across his lap and tries to guess where they might be headed. “I’ll be interested in what her face looks like when she realizes today is certainly far from glamorous,” teases Sean with a smile. I’m guessing Selma has some idea — seeing as Team Bachelor told her to dress in workout gear rather than a miniskirt and hooker heels. The plane lands on a runway amid dusty mountains. And she does NOT love it. “I got the limo, and then I got the jet — and then [sigh] he took the Iraqi to a desert,” groans Selma. “I do not do well in heat. At all… I am so disappointed.”
Well, missy, it’s time to fake it ’til you make it, because you’re at Joshua Tree National Park, and you’re gonna climb some rocks, beeeeyotch! Immediately, Selma’s body begins retaining water in protest. (“I feel puffy,” she complains to the camera.) The Bachelor confesses that he chose this date specifically because Selma told him she’s not very athletic, which on the one hand is straight-up rude, but on the other hand, fake marriages are about compromise, right?
“Let’s get harnessed up!” announces Sean, who makes poor Selma lead the way. Maybe he just wanted a better view of her booty? “Your form looks unbelievable!” he tells Selma, who’s scampering up the rock so quickly she leaves the Bachelor in the dust and makes it to the top on her own. After the duo drinks in the sunset for awhile, it’s time for dinner — so they Wile E. Coyote off the edge of the cliff (or something; Team Bachelor doesn’t show us how they get down) and head for the showers.
NEXT: Selma’s mom to Sean: No smooch for you!