We’re a third of the way through, rose lovers! Time to start learning people’s names and emotionally investing in the Bachelor’s “journey.” Isn’t that right, Sean? “I had no idea that I would have feelings for girls this early,” says Shirted Confessional Sean, while Shirtless Sweaty Sean pumps iron and jogs leisurely on the treadmill. “One week into it, I find myself really digging a lot of women.”
And all of the “ladies” hope they’re the one Sean’s digging the most. After Harrison drops the date card and runs, Robyn — in a confessional that I hope was recorded late the previous night which would explain why she seems kinda drunk — says, “I want the date card to say, ‘Robyn, let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” But instead it’s Lesley M. who gets the first slice of beefcake, so she packs her “in case I get sent home” bag and dons a ridiculously short pink lacy minidress. The limo drops them off at Hollywood & Highland — a.k.a. the tourist armpit of Southern California — where Lesley is somewhat chagrined to learn they’ll be visiting the Guinness World Records Museum. “I’m thinking, Okay, yeah, um, this could be fun, but if I could have picked any place…” Lesley pauses, and then says politely, “I really didn’t think we’d be coming to the Guinness World Records.”
Cheer up, honey — Sean didn’t just bring you here to gaze at the World’s Smallest Woman and the guy who ate the bike wheel. No, it turns out that the Guinness Book is near and dear to Sean’s family: His Dad, Jay Lowe, set the world record for driving the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time. And now it’s Sean turn: He and Lesley are going to attempt to break the Guinness world record for longest on-screen kiss, as dozens of cheering spectators look on! And she LOVES it. Sort of. “It’s the coolest thing I can imagine,” says Lesley. “But I think my body is numb.” Whatever — just go to your happy place, Lesley, and pucker up. And none of that romantic comedy butterfly kiss BS, because as Guinness’ enforcer Mr. Stuart Claxton warns them, “Your lips must of course touch throughout the entire attempt,” or else it will “invalidate” the whole “procedure.” Procedure? Man, way to kill the mood, Stu!
In order to make the next three minutes and sixteen seconds less painful, Team Bachelor breaks the action into a three-way split screen: One showing Harrison cheering on the duo and chatting up spectators, one showing a close-up of Lesley and Sean mashing their faces together, and one wide shot showing the duo at the center of the crowd. I think I can best sum up my feelings about this sequence with a haiku:
It’s awkward, you know?
Ouch, it’s making my face hurt.
Next time, just get lunch.
Five… four… three… two… one — the record has been broken! Suck on that, “ladies”!
NEXT: The “ladies” go volleyballs to the wall