Kristen Baldwin
March 13, 2015 at 09:06 PM EDT

The Bachelor

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Arie Luyendyk Jr, Nick Viall, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, Juan Pablo Galavis
Mike Fleiss
Current Status
In Season


Sean is doing chest flies and leg presses on the weight machine. The camera pans lovingly from his chest to his quads and back again.



Last night was amazing. Each girl that stepped out of the limo really blew me away — so many beautiful women who also seem to be intelligent and funny and witty. If I had to guess…


Water glides down Sean’s chiseled torso as the camera pans slooowly upwards. The Bachelor’s head is tilted towards the heavens as he lets the cleansing waters wash away his sweat, his doubt, the touch of that drunk 50 Shades of Grey floozy from the night before.






I would honestly say that my wife was in that room last night.

Welcome back, rose lovers! If that soft-porn intro didn’t clue you in, we’re now in week two of Sean’s “journey” — in other words, the honeymoon phase. Optimism abounds as Harrison gathers the “ladies” in the living room for a pep talk. “I hope to see all of you at the next rose ceremony,” says the host ominously and he drops off the first date card and beats a hasty retreat. Kristy, the somewhat mannish Ford model, does the honors: “Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today?” Awwww! Even if it wasn’t Sean’s idea to give Sarah the first date, it fills me with the warm fuzzies anyway. Way to class up the joint, Team Bachelor! “I wanna cry!” says Sarah, as all the other “ladies” hate themselves for hating Sarah in that moment.

Dry your tears, missy, because the first helicopter of the season is here to pick you up. (Also, Team Bachelor, please stop making Sarah talk about how she has only one arm — I think having her mention it three times times in the two minutes after the date card is dropped off is more than sufficient. We get it: She is handicapable.) Eventually the whirlybird lands on the top of a skyscraper… and I think you all know where this is going, rose lovers. Love is like a leap of faith, or whatever, so Sean is going to make poor Sarah descend down the side of the building to get to a “champagne toast” waiting for them at the bottom. “Oooh my gosh,” moans Sarah, as Sean explains that they’ll “free fall” to the bottom. “What catches you?”

Not a whole hell of a lot, actually. Sean and Sarah are trussed up in harnesses, helmets and ropes by a man who seems a little too excited to inform them that they’ll be dropped “40 feet a second” to the bottom. “It’s gonna be fun,” Sean assures his date. “Just you and me taking a nice, leisurely fall down the side of a building.” He wraps his arm around her waist and eventually they scooch their butts off the platform and take the plunge. [insert high pitched screaming and assorted deep-voiced “woooohs” here] Break out the bubbly, guys — you did not splatter like overripe melons on the pavement! “It was a great bonding experience,” says Shirted Confessional Sean. “I definitely feel closer to Sarah.”

NEXT: “Tacky hos are a dime a dozen”

( 1 of 5 )

You May Like