So we meet again, rose lovers, this time in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, as we have so many times before. I think we all know why we’re here: To watch the “ladies” plunge their collective fists into Courtney’s chest and rip out her still-beating heart, as the audience waves bludgeons and chants, “Not the right reasons! Not the right reasons!”
But instead, we’re gonna have to sit through a lot of filler first. The night kicks off with a “Where are they now?” package-promo for Bachelor Pad 3, which features a few persons of interest, most notably: Ed, a.k.a. the “winner” of Jillian’s season of The Bachelorette, who “parted ways” with his Canuck fiancee and now exudes a “sexual energy” that makes him hard to resist. Then there’s Bachelorette Ali (a.k.a. Queen of Bitch Mountain), who managed to keep Roberto in an emotional bear trap for 17 whole months before he gnawed his own foot off to escape, and Frank, the one who got away from her on The Bachelorette. Oh, and hey, there’s Reid, perhaps the most stressed-out man ever to appear on The Bachelorette — and a guy who probably could have been the Bachelor had his crippling neuroses not kept him from saying yes. But now, apparently, he’s been alone with his own thoughts for too long and is craving a return to the reality spotlight: “Bachelor Pad seems like a very fun place to be.” Hope they pass out free Zoloft with the condoms at the Pad clinic!
Back in the Thunderdome, the “ladies” have assembled in their swivel chairs, sporting short, sparkly, mostly strapless ensembles designed primarily to expose as much boob as possible and still let ABC give this show a TV-MA rating. The first woman thrown into the shark tank is not Courtney, but Blakely. “Why are so many of us are such good friends and you couldn’t be friends?” shrieks Samantha, pointing an accusatory finger at the VIP cocktail waitress. Though Blakely doesn’t even turn to acknowledge the high-pitched sorority pledge behind her, she does say she wishes her “guard” wasn’t as up with the women. Things swiftly move on to Brittney, who says she left because she had “no attraction towards Ben whatsoever” (bonus points to the woman in the audience whose face registers true shock at this revelation), but Samantha insists Brittney left because Blakely was bullying her. “You are like the chihuahua in the house — you don’t stop talking!” snaps Brittney in return, clapping her hands together for emphasis. And the crowd goes wild!
If you needed any more proof that Team Bachelor is just desperately trying to kill time while they make the audience wait to see Courtney, here it is: segment 3 goes to Shawntel. Does anyone really care that she’s still smarting from the hurtful comments the “ladies” made during her surprise appearance at the cocktail party? Elyse feels the need to apologize for her classic Who IS she? soundbite from that fateful night — and, in fact, a lot of the “ladies” seem to feel bad about how harshly they treated her. “I’ll sit here and I’ll apologize all day long,” says Erika, the one who gleefully declared that Shawntel had “thicker thighs” than she does. “It was rude.” Well sure, but what did the fair funeral director expect? If she wanted a pleasant experience she would have gotten a mole frozen off or a bikini wax or something.
NEXT: “I take it all back!”