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Emmys 2017
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The Bachelor recap: The Tribe Has Spoken

The “ladies” continue to talk trash about Courtney behind Ben’s back, but the meanie model fights back with a weapon more powerful than words: Her boobs.

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The Bachelor

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Aaron Buerge, Andrew Firestone, Bob Guiney, Alex Michel, Estella Gardinier, Trista Rehn, Jen Schefft
Mike Fleiss
Reality TV

Seriously, how is it week six already? It seems like time is just flying… when in fact I’ve already wasted a month and a half thinking about this show. A month and a half and the past two hours, actually — during which time I realized that the reason it feels like we’re earlier on in Ben’s “journey” is because there are still a few women we know barely anything about. I guess that’s because Team Bachelor decided to turn this season into The Courtney Show.

The good news is, this week we get the dreaded two-on-one date. May the odds be ever in your favor, “ladies”! But first, Ben arrives at the Trump Ocean Club to deliver the first date card: “Kacie B., Will our love survive? Pack 3 things.” Awesome — maybe it’s a Lord of the Flies theme date, complete with a pack of wild British boys and an island so remote no one can hear the Bachelor scream! Turns out, it’s just another helicopter ride to a picnic, though to be fair, this one’s on a “deserted” island populated by sand, palm trees, and a camera crew. Between Ben and Kacie, they’ve got a stuffed animal, a bag of candy, a corkscrew, a fishing net, a machete, and matches. Oh, and Kacie B’s grating giggle, which has managed to morph from girlie to hyena-like in the past few weeks.

As Ben murders a coconut and the duo wrestles with their net and catches an ill-fated fish placed in the shallows by a PA, Ben does his blah-blah-overcoming-obstacles-blah-blah-conquering-fears-blah thing. “If we can accomplish something like this together I feel like we can probably do anything.” Okay, you know what Team Bachelor? I’m throwing down the gauntlet: ENOUGH with the embarrassing attempts to convince people that this show in any way prepares people for marriage. I triple-dog-dare you to make a season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette where no one says anything resembling “if we can do [blank], then we can do anything.” Think you can manage that?

Dinner is make-or-break for Kacie B., who knows she has to “open up” to Ben on this date or it’s all over. But it’s hard for her to do, she explains, because her life has not been all baton-twirling and ringlets. “In high school, I, um, I had an eating disorder,” she begins. After her parents caught her mid-purge, Kacie says, she finally got help. “I learned a lot. I learned that I don’t have to be perfect, and I feel like it made me grow up a lot faster than I planned on.” Uh-oh, Courtney — looks like you’re not the only dark-haired horse in the race for Ben’s heart. Kacie B. gets the rose!

In what is perhaps an act of synergy to promote ABC’s terrifying new drama The River, the next day Ben treats Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie to a rainy date on the Chagres River. They travel to a village where the waiting Embera people hustle the “ladies” into huts and encourage them to don some native dress — which consists of beaded tops and floral headdresses. While most of the women choose to leave their bikini tops on underneath the beads, Courtney feels like the time is now to be “one with nature” and ditch her oppressive Western threads. (A modest blur and/or black bar obscures her tatas, but we can pretty much guess why the ladies are all frowning. And in case you were wondering, Courtney says the beads “are cold.”) Classy, right?” smirks Emily to the camera.

NEXT: Looking out for No. 1611