Good evening, “ladies” and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight’s episode of This is Your (Dead Fiancé’s) Life! Tonight we’ll take you on a “journey” to the place where decency goes to die, with exciting pit stops at Areyoukiddingmeville and Howdoyoulivewithyourself Hamlet along the way. We’ve got a lot to get through, so let’s get started!
Even Harrison’s sharp striped blue button down can’t soften the blow he delivers with the bachelorettes’ morning mimosas: It’s time for the two-on-one date! “I can tell by your reactions you know what that means,” he intones gravely. But the good news is… Brad’s left Los Angeles! What now? That’s not the good news? Oh, they’re going to Vegas. Okay then. Cut to, Flip cam video of the “ladies” and their small-nation’s worth of luggage as they head to the Aria hotel. Brad greets his harem and leads them through the ornate lobby, all the while explaining to us via voiceover that “there are some women I really haven’t had the chance to get to know as well as I should by now, and then there are other women that I feel like I know really well, but I’m also questioning those relationships. So I’m going to spend a week in Vegas and try to figure it out.” Yes, because when you think serious examination of interpersonal relationships, you think of this place.
Once he deposits them in their Rain Man suite, he drops off the date card and makes a run for it. Michelle does the honors: “Shawntel M., let’s end tonight with a bang.” Well I never! Brad picks Shawntel up in front of the hotel, and while I can’t quite get behind her white short-shorts, I am happy she got the one-on-one date… until I see it’s another one of those “let me dress you up like Escort Service Barbie” excursions. “I think it’s every single woman’s dream to be able to go from store to store and pick out whatever she wants,” boasts Brad. Womack, I’m only going to say this once: PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SPEAK FOR ALL WOMEN. THANK YOU. Shoes, sunglasses, feathered blouses, feathered shoes, an umbrella, the conspicuous consumption goes on and on and on… Brad pretends to be interested in the excursion: “It was so much fun shopping with Shawntel!” He loads her down with shopping bags like she’s a pack mule and sends her back to the suite. Wait, that was her date?? No dinner? No drinks? Not even a hot pretzel at the mall food court? Oh, wait — there is a part two, but first Shawntel has the uncomfortable honor of displaying her thousands of dollars worth of goods for the “ladies,” who moan in agony.
Night falls and Brad whisks Shawntel away for a rooftop dinner… not exactly the time to discuss preserving human remains with chemicals. “I really want this time to talk to him about being a funeral director and embalmer,” muses Shawntel, “but I’ve been on dates before where I start talking about my profession and the guy has found it very strange.” That said, she plunges right in with the revelation, and Brad instantly asks for details about embalming: “I’m fascinated by that, I really am.” Oh, sir, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it — including words like “leakage” and “drain tube” and “open casket.” Then it gets really scary, as Shawntel starts to talk about her cat, Peaches. Way to bring your A-game, sweetie! But she looks hot in her little black dress, so Brad gives her the date rose. Cue the fireworks!
NEXT: Emily is driven to distraction