Tonight, on The Women Tell All: Tears! Drama! Cute South African school children! An unfortunate new hairstyle! And candles, candles, candles! Let’s get to it, shall we?
In case you were sleeping the past 9 weeks, the show begins with an extensive flashback, as Brad and Harrison memorialize the “ladies” we’ve lost along the way, including Shawntel (“I don’t want to talk about where I’m going to be buried—not that soon”) and of course Michelle (“I’m a man that can be blindsided by beauty,” admits the Bachelor). From that we leap into an infomercial for season two of Bachelor Pad, which Harrison introduces by announcing this horrifying statistic: the “Bachelor Nation” (that is, former rejects) stands “over 500 strong and counting.” God, that is a frightening thought, isn’t it? All this Nation needs are uniforms and some dirty bombs filled with herpes gas and it could take over Canada.
So anyhow, these folks periodically gather in large groups at the invitation of Bachelor producers to drink for free and maul each other in a sadly desperate attempt to re-enter the reality TV womb. Oh look, there’s Rozlyn the Rule Breaker (“we’re all sexual creatures”), Vienna the Vixen (“I think the most exciting thing if I’m on Bachelor Pad 2 is that everyone wants to pair up with me because I’m a big schemer [annoying girlie giggle],” Kasey the Guard and Protect Your Heart Guy (“everyone always wants to see the tattoo”), and, randomly, Ali and Roberto (“we are contractually obligated to pretend to like you people”).
At long last, it’s time to greet the “ladies.” There’s so much crazy, Harrison doesn’t know where to begin. “For a host,” he says, “this is like a buffet.” But the women push past him in line and being piling steaming mounds of hatred on Michelle’s plate. “I’m kind of equating you to a spider,” says Jackie, who no doubt has been practicing this insult in front of her mirror for weeks. “You’re creepy, and everyone’s afraid of you.” Michelle begins with the crocodile tears and insists she went on the show “for the right reasons,” but the women are not having it. “You’re honestly going to sit there and cry?” sneers Stacey. Hold that thought, honey, because it’s time to turn our attentions to… the “infamous” feud between Raichel and Melissa! Wait, who? Oh, right, those two shrill bitches who got into a fight in episode two. Seriously, almost a whole segment for this? No, thank you. Back to Michelle, please!
Mistress Mole Hair takes the Hot Seat and continues her victim act, tearfully declaring herself “easily misunderstood” and “not strong.” She’s strong enough to hold a chain of turquoise boulders around her neck, but not enough to withstand the scorn of a pack of hostile bachelorettes. Don’t these mean girls understand that Michelle just has a “sarcastic, wry” sense of humor? Don’t they know that she feels so, so, so guilty for leaving her daughter at home so she could bring home a daddy? Can’t they see that she’s auditioning for the role of Reformed Bad Girl Who Just Wants to Find Love on Bachelor Pad 2? But no, the “ladies” remain incensed — Stacey attacks Michelle for putting her own needs above her daughter’s, which sends Michelle into a paroxysm of sobs. “Burn her! Burn her!” chant the assembled bachelorettes, prompting Harrison to scold them with a sharp, “Really?” Eventually the tide turns — Britt declares that Michelle is “funny as hell,” and Meghan tells her, “Monday nights would not have been the same without you!” That, at the very least, is true. Aaaaand scene!
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