It’s not like we didn’t see it coming, right Bachelor fans? Jake’s choice really could not have been a shock to anyone with Internet access, and yet I will admit, a large part of me wanted those deceptive ”maybe he doesn’t choose either woman” promos to be true. I’ll never learn, folks. But at the very least, I can console myself with the fact that my baby had the good sense to stay inside the womb rather than risk bearing witness to Jake giving a ginormous rock to a former Hooters girl.
The final leg of our ”journey” kicks off with Jake strolling the beach and musing that he’s ”right on the edge of finding my wife.” That’s problematic, seeing as the Bachelor also insists that he’s ”so in love” with both women. Tenley is ”amazing,” ”perfect,” and ”too good to be true.” Vienna meanwhile, gets his motor running: ”My physical chemistry with Vienna is just lightning hot,” he says, adding that ”she makes me feel like I’m the only guy in the room.” Hmmm…so one girl appeals to his head, and one to his little head. I wonder which one will win out! And just as Jake says he needs one of them to ”reveal herself as the perfect girl for the next 60 years of my life,” here comes Vienna, unwrapping herself from a pink sarong to reveal her bikini-clad body underneath. Tenley, poor thing, is shown far more covered up in a pink sundress.
Pink must be this finale’s official color, because next we cut to Jake in a casually wrinkled pink button down and khakis tearfully greeting his family. ”It would really make it hard to marry a girl who didn’t get along with my family,” he says. No one in the clan flinches when Jake says he’s in love with both women, and that he needs a ”second set of eyes,” like he’s about to hand them a résumé to proofread or something. But as soon as Jake mentions that Vienna ”made a lot of enemies” during their ”journey,” Mom’s crazydar starts pinging. ”Is she the girl that everybody hated?” Um, yeah. ”[Mom-ish sound of disapproval] Because sometimes there’s something to that, Jake.” Score one for common sense! But the Bachelor is kicking himself for revealing that unflattering tidbit. ”I have for some reason decided to bring up all of Vienna’s faults, or so-called faults, and warn my family about them. I don’t know why I did that.” It’s called a cry for help, you blockhead. Look into it.
Jake says he knows his parents are going to like Tenley, and boy is he right. The peppy dancer arrives in a different pink sundress carrying a coordinating arrangement of enormous tropical flowers, and what follows is a day-long familial love-fest. There isn’t a dry eye in the house after Tenley tells Mom and Dad how ”excited” she was to hear that Jake wants a marriage like theirs, and that their happy union is a ”great gift” to their children. Mom wants to know how Tenley resolves disputes with her sister, because ”it’s important to me that my daughter-in-laws get along well,” she explains. ”I feel like, when Jim and I are gone, you guys will be the glue that hold the family together.” Whoa, things just took kind of a dark turn, didn’t they? Tenley chooses this time to divulge her ”past,” using her divorce as proof that she doesn’t give up and can handle conflict — or something. And then they both cry. ”I would be honored to have Tenley in the family,” says Mom. She can’t even bring herself to say Vienna’s name. ”The woman tomorrow must be something really special, because he is conflicted — which is hard to imagine that he could be conflicted after meeting Tenley.” Echoes Dad, ”I think that I probably have met my future daughter-in-law today.”
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