Wow, can you believe it, Bachelor fans? We’re at the ”exotic” dates already. Only two more weeks until the end of Jake’s ”journey” — I guess time really flies when you’re watching someone else’s emotional train wreck, doesn’t it? Anyhow, slap on your SPF, because we’re off to the Caribbean!
We open on the ”mystical” land of St. Lucia, where a sweaty Jake is settling into his hotel room and helping producers fill time by recapping his experiences with the final three ”ladies.” Gia is the one he stereotyped as ”a girl who was really easy on the eyes,” but then he found out she had her book bag stolen in school and realized she has depth. Tenley was someone he thought was ”too good to be true,” but that worry was wiped from his mind once he learned about how she was emotionally pulverized by her cheatin’ ex. And then there’s Vienna, the bold seductress who groped his abs right out of the limo. ”I did feel like Vienna was a very risky choice for me,” recalls Jake, but then she literally talked him off the ledge during their bungee jumping date. ”At that moment, I realized that she was just an amazing girl.” So what if she’s ”a little immature”? They can get married and ”mature together.” Stellar plan, my man.
Of course, there is a cloud following the Bachelor as he strolls along the beach in this tropical paradise: the memory of Ali, the One That Got Away. If she hadn’t left, ”I would have Ali here.” (Sorry, Gia unnamed third bachelorette who got Ali’s rose by default (Gia)!) ”I wonder how she’s doing.” Well, just turn on your TV, Jake, because Team Bachelor just happens to be following the former bachelorette with a camera crew. There she is, moping in what is clearly a hotel room even though she says she’s back in her hometown, San Francisco. In an even more absurd touch, there are two glossy 8×10 publicity photos of Jake fanned out on the nightstand. Anyhow, Ali professes to be a total wreck: ”What I’ve realized since I’ve been back is my life is without love…. I can’t sleep, I cannot focus on my work, and every day that I’m away from him my heart just breaks a little bit more.” So yep, she’s going to ”fight for him,” blah, blah, blah.
The drama will have to wait, though, because Jake’s got a date with the lone remaining brunette. He and Gia meet up on a windy hillside overlooking a beautiful bay, and take a boat to a local St. Lucian market. There they shop for fruit, drink coconut milk, and dance to street musicians — but when Jake tries to get a fist bump from the bongo player, the guy slaps his hand instead. (Sorry, white boy!) Anyhoo, the Bachelor finds it ”endearing” that New Yorker Gia and her ”thousand dollar pair of shoes” is ”very empathetic with people who lay their heart on the line trying to make an honest living out there.” Two questions: Does he not realize that New York is filled with working people ”trying to make an honest living”? Also, what pair of shoes is he talking about? She’s wearing flip-flops, for Pete’s sake. Let’s just skip over that tacky necklace situation and move along to the episode’s first Sunset Swim and Makeout Session. By the time it’s over, Gia is ready to take the metaphorical plunge too: ”I want us to say, like, ‘I love you’ to each other and say to one another, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ It’s a big step, and I think we’ll be able to take that step. First, I just need to dye my hair blonde and change my name to Ali or Vienna.” (Okay, I made that last part up.)
NEXT PAGE: Tenley adds a second notch to her bedpost