It’s been a big week in the Bachelor universe. First, Jason and Molly announced that they’ll consecrate their sure-to-be-long-lasting union in a televised ceremony. In even bigger news, we learned why Jake keeps giving Vienna roses: He finds her ”sexy as hell”! (I should have known Little Jake was to blame for this tomfoolery.) I can’t say I see it — crazy bug-eyed blondes have never been my thing — but hey, to each his own, right?
So this week begins with the end of the RV road trip, as Jake greets the ”ladies” outside of a fancy hotel in San Francisco. Already, things feel a little off — where is Harrison? Why is the Bachelor giving the how-it’s-going-down-this-week preamble? ”We’re going to step it up a little bit,” he explains. ”Start doing some things that are five star — and, uh, you don’t have to worry about a rose on a date anymore.” He then goes on to tell us that there will be one 2-on-1 date, but I’m not really listening because I feel very confused and discombobulated. Harrison is supposed to explain the ground rules, plain and simple. Team Bachelor, let it be known that I don’t like this change in protocol one bit. Are you trying to send me into early labor?
Apparently Jake dropped off a date card for Tenley, because by the time I tune back in she is squealing and giggling and bouncing on the couch as the other ”ladies” look on with false happiness. After breaking out in a sweat, she dons a spiffy white trench coat and joins Jake in front of the hotel, where a private, trolley-shaped bus picks them up for a tour of the city. Jake tells us that he thinks it’s ”awesome” that Tenley is so positive all the time, but he needs to know the extent of the emotional injury beneath her Minnie Mouse exterior: ”I know that Tenley was really hurt by her ex-husband. I think I’m only just starting to scratch the surface.” The getting-to-know-you tour involves dim sum and tea in Chinatown, a place that mystifies Jake: ”It’s amazing — you feel like you’re in a foreign country!” (Apparently he has never been to any other major metropolitan area in the U.S., because they pretty much all have a Chinatown.)
Knock knock knock! Hey, welcome back, Accent Table of Doom! Hope you enjoyed your time off. Corrie rushes to the door and dramatically reads the date card: ”Ali and Vienna: Come be the queens in my castle.” Okay, Team Bachelor, I officially forgive you for the Harrison-free opening scene, because this is going to be the best 2-on-1 date of all time! Just look at Ali’s face — she really does look like she’s going to puke. Wait — what’s that, Corrie? You were just kidding? The card is really addressed to Vienna and Gia? Arrrgh! Okay, I’ll admit it was a great prank, but what a disappointment. For the producers not to insist on an Ali vs. Vienna date is beyond lame — even lamer than Ali’s pathetic attempt to convince Vienna that she was only upset because she wanted to show Jake her hometown alone.
Vienna turns beet red, but she won’t talk about her feelings while Queen of Bitch Mountain is in the room. ”If you’re upset because of something that has to do with me,” Ali pouts to Vienna, ”I’d appreciate you just being honest with me and telling me.” Vienna’s all, Fine, why did you flip out at the rose ceremony? QoBM insists on playing dumb: ”How do you know that was because of you?” she demands, completely ignoring the fact that Vienna is a) not hearing impaired and b) was standing about four feet away from her during her stage-whispered hissy fit. The two start going around and around in I-hate-you-No-I-hate-you-more circles, so let’s move on.
NEXT PAGE: Would you like some whine with that…wine?