Happy new year, Bachelor fans! I’m not sure about you, but I’ve got two resolutions for 2010: Number 1, reduce the number of times per hour that I ask my husband to put his dishes away from 15 to 7.5, and Number 2, keep an open mind about Jake as the new Bachelor. As some of you might be aware, I was not thrilled with the announcement that Jillian’s Ken-doll castoff got the rose-giving gig (and I wasn’t alone), but hey, a polarizing Bachelor means a compelling season, right? Right? So let’s prepare for takeoff, people — The Bachelor: Robot Pilot Seeks Mate begins now!
So after he was sent packing by Jillian (interesting that there was no mention of his whole embarrassing confrontation with two-timing Wes), Jake went back home to Dallas, stood shirtless in his kitchen while drinking a glass of water, and eventually got his mojo back. ”Love is perfect. It endures. Some people are probably engineered to be alone but I’m not one of them,” says the 31-year-old Bachelor. ”I know that someday I’m going to find the girl of my dreams.” When he’s not jumping rope by the infinity pool or building some sort of wooden hut in his backyard (shirtless, of course), Jake is daydreaming about a ”fairy tale, happily-ever-after-type marriage.” So he hops on his motorcycle and heads to Los Angeles, where fairy tale marriages are both made and publicly destroyed. (How convenient!) As an instrumental version of ”On the Wings of Love” swells in the background (by the way, I refuse to acknowledge ABC’s use of this painful subtitle — did they learn nothing from ”London Calling”?), Jake pensively watches a plane take off at sunset while astride his hog and makes this simultaneously naive and chilling prediction: ”Nice guys don’t finish last, nice guys just have to wait a little bit longer sometimes… I’m going to walk out with a fiancée. I can just feel it.”
Okay, enough of all these feelings and emotions — it’s time to meet the ”ladies”! Ali is a 25-year-old who is apparently not as interesting to men as videogames, and whose last boyfriend used to cheat on her in the middle of the night with their roommate. Yes, looks like televised humiliation is all this girl needs to make her circle of shame complete. Alexa seems to be having a more satisfying relationship with her motorcycle than she could ever have with Jake — ”As soon as you straddle your motorcycle — aaaah! It’s, it’s, it’s just like — every time, like, I know that was, like, this orgasm sound, but it’s like aaaah! I love it!” — so I’m not sure what she’s doing here. (Girl, if it ain’t broke…) Moving on: Perky Tenley was a virgin bride; now she’s a deflowered divorcee. (”There was some unfaithfulness,” she tells us with a quavering voice.)
I’m going to start a new paragraph for Elizabeth, because I’m pretty sure just from the way she said ”I’m Elizabeth, I’m 29 years old, and I’m a captain in the D.C. National Guard” that she is about 437 percent smarter than all the other women there combined. Just call it a hunch. And I like her even better for admitting she has no fashion sense, and because, unlike many of the other ”ladies,” she hasn’t decided before actually meeting Jake that he is destined to be her husband. She limits her praise to saying he seems like a ”stand-up guy.” Plus, ”The greatest loves of all my lives have all been pilots.” Hmmm… I think the streak might be about to end, sweetheart.
NEXT PAGE: And we have our first stalker!