Wow. It’s been quite a week, hasn’t it, Bachelor fans? There were all sorts of crazy rumors flying around the interwebs about what’s going to happen in next week’s finale and the After the Final Rose specials. And Chris Harrison fueled the speculation fire with his episode 7 blog post, which drew over 1,300 comments. Like you, I am just dying to know what’s going to happen — though frankly, a part of me fears that Bachelor exec producer/evil genius Mike Fleiss planted the rumors himself to ensure massive tune-in, and that what we’ve been led to believe will be the most ”shocking” ”event” in ”Bachelor” ”history” will actually be something relatively lame… like Jason meeting Melissa’s parents for the first time.
God willing, that won’t happen. Unfortunately, we have to wait another week to find out, because we’ve come to the point in this ”journey” where we’re forced by the producers and ABC to tread water for a week with only a reunion special to keep us afloat. Yep, it’s time for The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, or what I like to call The Bachelor: Chris Harrison’s Personality Finally Freed From ‘Bachelor’ Prison: A Play in Six Acts.
Act 1: Kiss and Tell
We open on a studio festooned with an absurd number of votive candles. I truly hope none of the ”ladies” are wearing flammable fabric, because one false arm movement and this evening could end in the burn unit. Harrison emerges and receives a high-pitched welcome from the audience, packed as usual with mostly middle-aged women with a propensity to scream. (Either that, or the studio has a sign that flashes ”hoot and screech” instead of ”applause.”) After giving a brief intro, he cuts to a taped interview with Jason. First, Harrison grills the Bachelor about his physical adventures with the ”ladies” — from the violent kiss Megan laid on him during the General Hospital date to the snotty smooch from Tooth Nazi at the subsequent cocktail party. Ever the master of mealy-mouthed understatement, Jason says simply, ”It wasn’t really the right time to share any type of kiss.”
The conversation lags a bit in the middle with yet another rehash of the date with Stephanie and Sophia (though Jason did coin a new phrase, saying he was able to pull the surprise off thanks to ”all the clouds aligning”), and one more laugh at the expense of Naomi and Her Wacky Family. Perhaps Harrison was just trying to lull Jason into a false sense of security with an easy line of questioning, because he quickly changes the subject to Jillian. After the Bachelor dubs Jillian ”the ultimate friend” (ouch!), Harrison shoots back, ”So, you’re in the hot tub with Jillian — your friend — in New Zealand… things got really heated.” And when Jason tries to brush it off by saying that there was passion, just not enough for a marriage, Harrison smacks him right back down: ”What you did in the hot tub almost consummated marriage,” and ”Cinemax called — they said it was too hot.” Before Jason can recover his mental footing, Harrison pummels the dazed Bachelor with the most burning season 13 question of them all: What happened in the tent with Molly? ”I will tell you that it was completely innocent,” insists Jason, explaining that he and Molly only had three hours alone without the cameras, to which Harrison replies, ”Three hours of sex is a lot.” Holy cow, Harrison is on fire! I’ll bet they used his red-hot wit to light all those votive candles.