It’s week four, Bachelor fans, and you know what that means — time for the dreaded (and totally dirty-sounding) ”two-on-one” date. This is my favorite Bachelor tradition, because it’s just like the Colosseum in ancient Rome — two will enter, but only one will leave. Are we not entertained?
But before we get to the emotional bloodbath, it’s time to honor a new Bachelor tradition: Uncomfortable karaoke! As you’ll remember, last season on The Bachelorette, the men had to write and perform a love song for DeAnna in order to win a one-on-one date — a contest Jesse won, by the way, which worked out really well for him. Anyhoo, now it’s Jason’s turn to endure a talent(less) show. Harrison informs the ”ladies” that they have 30 minutes to whip up a tune, which sends the women scurrying into different corners of Casa Bachelorette to begin their compositions. Tooth Nazi decides to write a rap song like Jason did for DeAnna, while Lauren is typically obnoxious, claiming that she has ”a good ear for music” and that her song will be ”like a professional song that maybe you hear on the radio.” Nikki, in a continuation of her emotional implosion that began last week, slumps against the wall and cries about how she’s a ”control freak” who can’t be silly because it’s not in her nature. ”I’d rather, like, have a tarantula crawl up my arm than do this,” she sobs. Could someone please get this woman her tiara and a can of Lemon Pledge? Perhaps that’ll remind her that just a few weeks ago she was a bubbly pageant queen, not a basket case.
While making Bachelor fans sit through the performances is an exercise in atonal futility — after all, we know from the opening preview that Molly gets a one-on-one date — at least the producers keep the singing montage mercifully short. Molly volunteers to go first with her fast-food themed ditty (”Like nuggets and French fries we could be perfect soul mates”), and Stephanie, dressed in a hot pink getup straight out of the Bratz Doll Mother-in-Law Collection, unleashes an operatic caterwaul that probably had the exact opposite effect on Jason’s libido than what she was going for. Lauren gets up and announces that she wrote a ”full-on song,” and to be fair her tune sounds a little like something Jewel might have written back when she was living in her car. Despite her near-total mental collapse, Nikki manages to warble her song without crying or throwing up on herself. (Small victories, sweetie.) But to absolutely no one’s surprise, Molly earns the one-on-one date.
So what exactly does Molly win? A ride on a blimp? Diamonds and a private jet to Vegas? Not quite. The budget, it seems, is getting a little tight, according to the note on the date card: ”Molly, let’s stay home tonight at my place.” Um, yay? Still, the ”ladies” are super-duper jealous because, as Melissa explains, ”this is what it would be like to be with Jason on a Saturday night, on a date, just the two of us [and the 15 crew people pointing cameras and microphones at us while we make out].” At the Bachelor pad, Molly and Jason sit on the floor and eat burgers and fries, while Jason does his best to find something out about his date — because at this point all we know is that she has very white teeth and an apparent love-hate relationship with fast food. She says all the right things — she wants to have ”kids” and ”a husband” and she’s not scared by the fact that Jason is a divorced single parent, but Jason can barely hear her because he’s mesmerized by her ”stargazing amazing” eyes.
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