March 13, 2015 at 07:49 PM EDT

The Bachelor

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Arie Luyendyk Jr, Nick Viall, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, Juan Pablo Galavis
Mike Fleiss

Side note about the Countdown to Juan Pablo special: It was entirely unremarkable, except for this moment during a montage of audition footage, which perfectly summed up the reality TV producer-contestant relationship in 12 words:

Contestant: “I can stick my fist in my mouth.”

Producer: “Oh, let’s see that!”

Anyhoo, Christy the “police support specialist” comes armed with a cute little name bracelet for Camila, and Nikki pulls out a stethoscope so Juan Pabs can hear how fast her heart is beating — which also requires him to nestle his hand in her cleavage. (Well played, missy!) Kat in limo No. 2 also manages to procure some extra physical contact with the Bachelor with her “teach me how to salsa” routine, and Chantel bucks the formal gown tradition by arriving in a skin-tight blue minidress. Her sartorial risk is overshadowed by “free spirit” Lucy, who attempts to stand out by wearing a flower headband, a dress made from an ace bandage and white satin sheets, and no shoes. (Did we mention she’s a “free spirit”?)

Come on, “ladies,” this is amateur hour — I need some abject humiliation pronto! All right, it looks like music composer Lauren S. has come to play, literally and figuratively: She opts to pedal a piano on wheels up the driveway, huffing and puffing the whole way. And if that’s not embarrassing enough, she forgets to tell Juan Pablo her name, forcing the Bachelor to chase her into the mansion, much to the surprise and delight of the other “ladies.” Judging by the Bachelor’s flummoxed expression, Chelsie’s cutesy “chemistry” experiment falls flat, but Clare’s fake pregnancy stunt doesn’t stop Juan Pablo from declaring that she’s “very cute.” And why did it take so long for somebody to play the soccer card? Thank you, Alli (though I hope you brought some heels to change into).

Other notable intros: Maggie the “personal banker”/Southern belle from South Carolina offers Juan Pablo a fishing hook (“I just really hope you’re gonna be the big catch that I’ve been waitin’ for!”); Kelly the professional “dog lover” brings her pooch Molly, which is good because if it weren’t for the little fuzzball, Kelly would probably still be wandering Casa Bachelor‘s grounds, looking for the door. Alexis smuggles in some drugs (if only! it’s candy), but it’s lawyer Andi who leaves the Bachelor feeling intoxicated. “Oh my gosh!” he marvels as she emerges from the limo. “Wow… Wow, wow.”

Okay, sir, all the “ladies” are here — it’s time to head once more unto the breech of babes. First Juan Pablo warms the room up with a little Latin-flavored flattery — “Every time you came out of the leeemo I was like, ‘What am I going to doooo? ¡Ay yi yiiii!'” — but he can’t help but feel creeped out by the hungry gazes of 27 women in their reproductive prime. “It feels like you’re a meat and they want to eat you right there,” he confesses. To break the tension, Juan Pablo borrows a sad little transistor radio from someone (really, Team Bachelor? No one on site had an iPod?) and cranks up the tunes. Once everyone’s sufficiently loosened up by the music and a few rounds in the FunTimes Foto BoothTM, it’s time for the one-on-ones to begin. Nikki the nurse giggles with glee when Juan Pablo manages to remember who she is — “Yes! Your heart, boom boom,” he says, which rates a 4.3 bazillion on the adorability scale — and Renee predictably bonds with the Bachelor over single parenthood.

NEXT: Stay tuned for the most reluctant First Impression Rose recipient… ever!

/ ( 3 of 5 )

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