Before we begin, rose lovers, let’s take a moment to think about what we’ve learned this season. First, be careful what you wish for — because you just might get a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot who can’t open his mouth without offending someone (or saying, “it’s okay”). Second, we should probably all just accept the fact that jerky Bachelors make for better TV. I mean, is there anyone out there who can name ONE interesting thing that happened on, say, Travis Stork’s or Andy Baldwin’s season without resorting to Google? If you can, I applaud you. (I am also a little afraid of you.) So let’s just embrace the bad behavior — after all, we do love it so — and bring Juan Pablo’s “adventure” to a close.
¿Dónde está la primera “lady”? Clare is here in her bright fuschia dress, bearing an unruly bouquet of flowers and a nervous smile. Camila rejects Clare’s outstretched hand and instead slaps it hard in what’s either a playful “gimme five” or an angry “back off, Stepmom Barbie!” gesture. When Clare tells Juan Pabs’ mom Nelly that she’s in love with her son, Mama responds with the impassive stare of a sphinx — though she’s honest when Clare asks if Juan Pablo has any problematic personality traits. “He’s hyperactive… He sometimes is very rude,” Nelly continues, telling Clare that Juan Pabs has made her cry with his “honesty, and he say the things a little bit rude.” Clare is determined to hear “my son is a good communicator who shares his feelings freely” instead of “my son has brought me to tears with his nasty personality.” (Side note: Enough with the picture-in-picture feed from the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, Team Bachelor! We get it — you’re liiiiiiive!)
Cousin Rodolfo then asks Clare if she’s in love with Juan Pablo, and upon hearing her answer (yes, duh) he informs her that the Bachelor is the type of guy who will “walk away” when things “get rough” in a relationship. But Clare, her eye firmly on her Latino prize, gushes that if Juan Pablo proposes, it’ll be “the best day of my life.” (I mean, she’s practically “begging for it,” right Rodolfo?) At the very least, she’d get a fantastic father-in-law; Juan Pablo’s dad Saul receives Clare with great warmth and assures her that even if she doesn’t get the final rose, she’ll “be always in my mind.” Ours too, papa. (Or, at least until After the Final Rose is over.)
Nikki wins the Thunderdome audience applause-o-meter, but to be fair both “ladies” receive pretty tepid reactions.
Now, though, it’s time to make mental space for Nikki, who arrives with an identical flower bouquet and a hot pink halter-top maxi dress. And guess what? Within seconds she’s already complaining. The island is “beautiful,” she tells Nelly, “but it’s hot.” Then she starts yammering on about how “life-changing” it’s been to make out with Juan Pablo in various international settings, while Camila — who’s perched on daddy’s lap — studiously avoids acknowledging Nikki’s existence. Saul wastes no time telling the nurse that his son “is not an easy guy,” that Juan Pabs is always focused on what he wants, and that he thinks he’s always right. No worries, says Nikki, she’s “ready for it.”
NEXT: Juan Pablo talks dirty to Clare, and she does NOT love it