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The Celebrity Apprentice season premiere recap: WE'RE IN A RECESSION!

Unemployed reality show contestants gotta eat, same as worms

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Apprentice Cast
Virginia Sherwood/NBC

The Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status:
On Hiatus
Reality TV

Welcome back, people who still watch The Apprentice! I’ll be recapping this mess every week, and I’m warning you now that I’m probably going to RANDOMLY SHOUT PARTS OF SENTENCES in homage to the most impressive businessman and hair model in the world. Season 10 of The Apprentice is all about the recession. “TALENTED PEOPLE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR WORK,” bellows Donald Trump from his stretch limo as it veers away from an icky bus. And we’re off.

It’s another Battle of the Sexes! The Sexes must pick names. The men consider Next, “because we’re ready for the next level in our lives.” If that’s their approach, they should really just go with Money-Money-Money-Money (Money!) But things get geeky. Steuart, who reminds me of Wall Street (’80s version) and is rather smug about being able to pull off purple and pink hues, immediately disapproves of Alex, who mixes up Phoenix and Icarus. “In order to be Trump’s apprentice, you need to remember that fifth grade mythology stuff,” says Steuart, and much like the ‘u’ in his name, this seems like a joke but is totally serious. Oh, well. Team Octane it is. The women also consider Phoenix, because “we’ve all risen from the ashes of the economy,” and because there are only a few words out there that suggest a person has a MIND FOR BUSINESS (and a bod for sin). After much hemming and hawing over words with strong sexual connotations like Vigorous and Stamina, the women decide on Fortitude. One of the blondes recites the definition of fortitude from the internet. So it’s settled.

The men (Octane) pick Gene as their project manager because he was in the military. The women (Fortitude) pick unemployed attorney Nicole because, well, that idiot volunteered herself. Nicole foreshadows her eventual demise, calling her decision to become project manager “the easiest thing I’ll probably ever do on The Apprentice.” Sounds about right. You heard assistant district attorney Mahsa. Nicole didn’t do anything. Mahsa did everything.

Trump announces the challenge in front of the New York Stock Exchange BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY the Trump building at 40 Wall Street. The challenge: Design and build an ultra-modern workspace.

I wonder how “Don” and Ivanka decide who will be the eyes and who will be the ears?

Right away, Nicole and Tyana clash. Nicole has trouble delegating, and Tyana would probably have made a better project manager due to her background in selling urban loft space. Naturally, Nicole has doubts about Tyana’s design experience because Tyana is wearing a “tacky” polka-dot dress. Since all of Tyana’s ideas are being ignored, Tyana decides to go out and choose the paint colors. Meanwhile, someone’s mom shows up but it turns out to be the Architectural Designer. Nicole and Stephanie go shopping for A/V supplies and Nicole immediately starts gossiping about Tyana. Stephanie’s not having it, especially so early on in the game. “Use [Tyana’s] abilities. Focus, girl,” we hear Stephanie say in a confessional. But all Nicole wants to focus on is that banana.

Next: A man prepares to be photosynthesized!