A puppy is running away from something on a New York City sidewalk. Someone told him he’d have to watch The Apprentice!
“FOR THIS TASK, YOU’LL EACH RUN. A HOTEL AND SPA. FOR DOGS,” Trump booms out. They’ll be judged on execution, a “value incentive” for customers, and their ability to flirt with world-renowned dog-behavior specialist, Cesar Millan.
Right away, David a.k.a. Andy Bernard (Ed Helms) from The Office — good call, commenters! — announced his intent to ruin James. “I am so fired up to actually lose this task so James can go home.” James is a terrible manager, but shouldn’t David go home just for being this David-y? He wants his own team to lose? Come on. This isn’t Hell’s Kitchen, there are rules! These vindictive wretches all want to go to the boardroom, just to stick it to each other. It’s no longer about winning; it’s about who can be the biggest little bitch.
Rant over! James is a mess. Naresh from Dog Spa tries to take them through training courses and James brushes him off. That’s it. James, you’re fired. I literally said this.
I AM TRUMP. YOU THOUGHT I WAS ‘APPRENTICE’ RECAPPER ANNIE, BUT I AM TRUMP. YOU WILL CALL ME TRUMP. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @TRUMPYTOWN.
Whew, sorry! Allow me to come down from that power trip. Where was I? Wade has thousands of hours of experience with dogs, so naturally James assigns him to decorate the entrance. He will later criticize Wade’s willingness to “take a backseat” during challenges. YOU JUST ASSIGNED THIS TO HIM, JAMES. Consult the court records. Read the deposition. Bang the gavel! Okay that’s all the lawyer words I know. Team Octane goes shopping, but they forget to buy nails. So David gets on his hands and knees and attempts to fashion nails out of binder clips. “I don’t know what planet Dave lives on where he can turn a binder clip into a nail,” James says. It’s probably his best showing-off-my-personality moment of the season. But then he follows it with a freakout! I can’t tell who’s more off-putting — David or James — throughout most of the episode. David is spectacularly unsettling in general, but I’m pretty sure James maniacally screaming “A BINDER CLIP INTO A NAIL!” will haunt me for weeks. I’m also haunted by….
A CRIPPLING FEAR OF DOGS. Just like Mahsa! You know Mahsa, right? Have you been to her mom’s salon? She’s worked at the front desk for the past 100,000 years in what we can only assume will be the greatest leading role of her lifetime. Let her tell you more about it. She worked the front desk at her mom’s salon. She worked the front desk in her mom’s salon. Shut up, Mahsa! Anyway, Fortitude’s project manager, Tyana, has no interest in watching Mahsa sex everyone up in a little black dress. Tyana would get to play pretty pretty receptionist, and in a stunning display of viciousness, she assigns dog-fearing Mahsa to A BACK ROOM FULL OF BIG DOGS.
I’m probably supposed to be on Tyana’s side here and delight in her wicked game because Mahsa is such a tool, but I just can’t with this one. When you’re afraid of animals, even adorable puppies can be terrifying. Big dogs? I would have walked out on the spot — that is, if I hadn’t had the sense to leave the competition sooner…i.e. the moment I realized I had been cast on The Apprentice.
NEXT: Let’s use “Princess Package” as a nickname for the annoying dude, yes?