”Tell Me You Love Me” recap: Butts & buttheads
After the climax of last episode (and of course I’m talking about May’s), I must cop to fast-forwarding through much of our young couples’ squeezy times this week. I would pause to make sure I wasn’t missing anything of note — Carolyn bellowing like a moose, Hugo’s flat butt pancaking there in front of me for eternity — and then get on to the good stuff. Incidentally, a couple friends cried foul this past week, asking if I really had watched May’s sex scene with nothing but pure admiration. Who was I kidding to pretend to be that evolved of a viewer? Fine, people, as much as I salute Jane Alexander and David Selby, I too cop to moments of screaming and blushing. I’m no more sophisticated than the rest of you. But I also watched it three times and called people into the room to judge for themselves. ”Gross,” said one friend. ”Hot!” said another. Polarizing! Unlike the sex tonight, which seemed at best besides the point.
Let’s start with the couples who are doing it. Jamie, Jamie, who erased all of my grudging goodwill from last week by walking around this episode in a tight tank top, cute boy-cut briefs, and Uggs. I’m tempted to leave her plot summary at that because, really, doesn’t that say it all? But I’ll give in and pad out that Kate Hudson-from-any-romantic comedy moment to include a brief skeleton of her skeletal plot. Hugo surprised her late at night and she screamed, ”F—!” Which, now that I think back on it, is what she always blurts out when she’s scared, frustrated, high, or happy. Her only response in life, as in love, is ”f—!”
So it turns out that Hugo, who strangely looked half as cute this episode (was it the white sneakers?), wants Jamie back. She told him that she’s seeing someone else, he started whimpering, they got naked, she called the new guy and told him she missed him. This chick needs to be sent on a girls-only Outward Bound. Nonsensically, she was promising one man that she wasn’t running back to her ex in one scene while dragging Hugo in the next to go for a couples session with May. There she dropped the bomb that she’d stepped out on him while they were engaged. He, understandably, flipped and stormed out, leaving Jamie crying like a weenie on her therapist’s sofa. May, quick, slap her in the face and save us from this ”I’m so pretty, how do I find myself in these messes?” world.
Speaking of messes, fricking A, Carolyn is pregnant! She thought she was PMS-ing through much of the episode, and at one point said, ”My tits are going to explode!” (I bet more men out there would finally start watching if they were promised such a sight.) Unclenched for the first time, she was back to drinking coffee and sucking down booze with Mason and stealing drags off her cigarette. So when she wiped not once but twice (now this is method acting!), looking for signs of her monthly red, was anyone really surprised that her toilet paper stayed lily white? There finally was that elusive second line on a stick, and Walger’s face was a perfect mix of stunned delight and holy-crap dread.
That poor baby. His daddy looks like he’s ready to skip town with the shopgirl. Whatever anger and hurt Palek was repressing for all those failed baby-making months is now oozing out of him. His unilateral decision to shed the house, and to sell it on his terms and time schedule, is a nice mirror to Carolyn’s single-minded quest to conceive. She’s not sure if she’s ready; he couldn’t give a damn. ”I can’t get out of this f—ing place fast enough,” he announced with disgust.
NEXT: Marital lust
After a night out with his lad friends, where he greedily eyed some cleavage at the other end of the bar, he came home hungry. When Carolyn, drunk on vodka Masons, snuffled that she just wanted to sleep and refused his date-rapist protestations, he had a meltdown, raging that he’d had sex on demand for a year, so it was time to collect. She told the jerk to go jerk off, so back to the suit store he slunk. The writing here got a little hammy, with the salesclerk offering up her best services and Palek saying he just needed something new in his life. The scene ended with her leading him like a horny lamb to the sweaters department, where presumably they would proceed to work up a sweat.
Thank God for Katie and David, who continue to make giant leaps forward in their long journey back to bed. The show opened with news that the kids were staying with Grandma, and the couple looked at each other like high schoolers who just found out their parents were going away for the weekend. Kegger! Of course in their case that meant David getting drunk on TiVo and Katie beaching herself in the tub with a book. There was a nice moment when David surprised her in the bathroom and was dumbstruck by the sight of his wife enjoying a decadent soak, her hair pulled back sexily, and her nipple bobbing in the water like a little rubber ducky. Later, she looked upon his exposed butt crack with the same mixture of embarrassed shock and prurient desire she had on her face when surfing for MILFs on the Internet. When he later undressed for the shower — so much male derriere this episode! — she allowed herself a longer look and told her husband that he looked good.
Such earned sexual energy building between these two! With the kids nicely faded into the background — I think this is the first time we’ve seen just Katie and David at the kitchen table — the focus is narrowing beautifully onto them not as parents but as former lovers. Katie admitted to being an Elaine Benes (fake, fake, fake, fake!), telling David that she didn’t always have orgasms with him in the past. He seemed less offended than genuinely concerned she wasn’t always having a good time. He returned her disclosure with a confession that perhaps he had started seeing her more as the mother to his two children than as a woman who could light his fire. ”Maybe that Foster is onto something,” he announced. These two are going to be just fine.
The drama of May’s past seemed put to bed once and for all. She met up with her former lover again — the old guys on this show are hawt — and the two sipped some red wine (flashback to last week!). It turned out their affair dates back to a couple crazy nights in their college days, but he’s hungry for more. May gave him the straight arm, though, telling him that he was a blessed fantasy for her to take refuge in during the lean years of her marriage and was never going to be anything more. Then she repeated her line about how endings need to be treated with the same care and gentleness blah blah blah. I know that she’s right, but who wants to picture their therapist using the same old line over and over again? She bid him adieu and returned home to her husband, who, poor thing, was charged with the banal task of making a hot curry sauce while his wife was out drinking with her old flame. They sucked face though, and all was well.
But what did you good people think? Is Palek going to bolt when he hears about the baby? Is Jamie going to get laser surgery to get rid of her dweeby tattoo? What’s going to be the thing that finally gets Katie and David back in the sack? And who has the better booty: Hugo or Dave?