There have been many shocking moments so far on Survivor this season. People are either getting naked or wearing “manties” and feathers. People are watching howler monkeys have sex and then giving a detailed play-by-play analysis after. People are telling lies (“neutral”) that simply make no sense. But those all pale in comparison to the shock of what unfolded tonight. First of all, there is some woman on the Blue Collar tribe I have never seen before. Not the woman with the face tattoo who’s always bitching about something. Not the other tall skinny one who always nods in agreement when the face tattoo lady starts bitching about something. No, there’s some other woman there too, it seems. Cathy, maybe? Kenley? No, wait! Kelly! That’s it.
Who is this woman and where did she come from? Is she on a mission to give a fellow Kelly—Purple Kelly from Nicaragua—a run for her money as least visible Survivor contestant ever? (Brett from Samoa, Rick from South Pacific and Laura from Caramoan might have something to say about that!) So that was the first shock, seeing some person who seemingly just snuck onto the Blue Collar Tribe on day seven and hoped nobody noticed because they were too busy yelling at one another about who thanked whom for what work they did around camp.
But then came shock number 2: This Kelly woman went on to compare the arguments around camp to a bar fight. Okay, fine. But then she also went on to say how she is a cop, and when they get a call from a panicked public citizen about a bar brawl they purposefully do not go break it up because it is better to just let the drunks fight it out. Am I the only one who finds this fascinating? Now, I’ve never been in a bar fight because A) I have the good sense to do my drinking in the privacy of my own home where people cannot judge me for the cheap swill I pour down my throat, and B) If I get into a bar fight, I am going to lose. It’s that simple. Maybe I get one good knee to the scrotum in before all is said and done, but to quote Michael Jackson, I’m a lover not a fighter. And, if we’re being completely honest, I’m not much of a lover either. (Also, with the benefit of time and years of legal action now to guide us, that MJ quote reads creepier than I remember, so sorry about that.)
So I can’t claim to quite understand all the nuances of a good barroom brawl, having spent my entire life avoiding any kind of physical altercation, but the fact that police are intentionally allowing such fisticuffs to occur is simultaneously horrifying and amazing. Say someone slams a pint of beer across some dude’s face, thereby blinding him? Hey, they’re just letting off some steam! What if a stray projectile shot glass misses its intended target and knocks out an innocent bystander instead? Well, boys will be boys! And what if some drunkard slides his foe across the bar so his head lands in the jukebox, immediately cueing up George Thorogood’s “Bad to The Bone,” because federal law dictates that “Bad to the Bone” be played in every dive bar jukebox from coast to coast? C’mon, sometimes you just got to let folks work out their issues! Speaking of which, did I tell you about the monkeys I just watched having sex? Okay, it started with the male monkey took out his enormous…
Hold on, who gave you a badge, Shirin? Since when did you become a cop and how did you barge in on this story? Dammit. Now you got me all distracted and I forgot what Kelly looks like. And we probably won’t see or hear from her for another three weeks. Oh well. To bide our time, let’s go recap another installment of Survivor: Worlds Apart.
We kick things off over on the No Collar beach after Will upset everybody by voting out the person nobody wanted voted out. Will says he got rid of Vince because he didn’t trust him. Congratulations! Now nobody trusts you! This is what happens when you say you are going to do one thing but instead do another. Will says it’s because everyone else is playing checkers while he’s playing chess. In a related matter, it has just been revealed that Will is a terrible chess player. It’s like he just lost his queen, both knights, and a bishop in a single move, which I realize is technically impossible… but he managed to do it anyway!
NEXT: Looking for a reason to stop looking for idols