Hey, how about that episode of…uh…what’s it called again? Survivor! Right, Survivor. Sorry about that. Anyway, there was some incredible…um…incredible, like…stuff that happened. Like that time that guy…what’s his name again, Cockfighter or something? Yeah, he was…ummmmmmmmmmm, like, taking to Papa Smurf or someone. And then, other…uh, stuff happened and…
You know what? I apologize. That was a horrible start to my episode 3 Survivor recap. It’s just that I’m a little bit distracted here because Semhar just came over and promised to “take off my clothes and give you a private show.” I have to admit, it started off kinda sweet, but then all of a sudden she started going on about having babies and things got a bit awkward — especially when she began rhyming about her aversion to birthing drugs. Not weird in that she was vocalizing her desire to give birth naturally — I mean, that sounds painful but if that’s what she’s into, fine by me — but rather awkward in that she couldn’t help but stumble in her efforts to rhyme something with the word “epidural.” (She came closest with “epic squirrel” but the transition from her talking about taking off all her clothes to disgusting, acorn-hoarding rodents was less than smooth, and certainly less than sexy.)
In any event, I have my mind back on the task at hand — breaking down the most recent episode of Survivor: South Pacific — so let’s get to it. Christine gets things started by calling Benjamin Wade “a big fat pain in the ass.” She also mentions that “he thinks he’s King Farouk.” She’s on to something here as there are a few similarities. For one thing, both are really into unnecessarily long titles. The King went by “His Majesty Farouk I, by the grace of God, King of Egypt and of Sudan, Sovereign of Nubia, of Kordofan and of Darfur,” while Benjamin goes by “Coach Maestro Dragonslayer-turned-Zenslayer, Renaissance Man, Author, Quote Reciter, and Star of Feature Film 180.” We also know Farouk was eventually exiled from Egypt, much in the same way Coach spent a long stretch of time on Exile Island. I’m tellin’ you, those two are practically twins!
Speaking of Coach Maestro Dragonslayer-turned-Zenslayer, Renaissance Man, Author, Quote Reciter, and Star of Feature Film 180, he’s busy at the Upolu camp trying to comfort Mikayla after that night’s bizarre Tribal Council. Brandon then interrupts the two by apologizing for interrupting even though Coach tells him he wasn’t interrupting. LIAR! Brandon proceeds to tell us that “I was almost 150 percent sure Mikayla was going home,” although anything more than 100 percent is scientifically impossible so he clearly has no idea what he is talking about. Brandon regrets lying and wants to be seen as a hero — as opposed to a villain like his uncle Russell — although I’m pretty sure that ship sailed the day he decided to get the word “Loco” tattooed on his neck. (It actually most likely sailed even before that, when he tried to act cool while defecating in his pants during school.)
NEXT: Our first duel of the season