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Survivor recap: Another Day, Another Hantz

Brandon’s dad appears and stirs up trouble as the loved ones pay a visit to Redemption Island

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Survivor Ticking
Image Credit: CBS


TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Jeff Probst
Current Status:
In Season

Meet Katie Nelson, everyone. Katie’s a hardworking rancher’s wife from Aurora, Utah. She’s also the woman that just had her ass squeezed on national television. Or half her ass, at least. The left butt cheek, to be exact. Because it is super important to be as precise as possible when describing the finer points of televised booty-groping. Last seen, Katie was complaining about the hardships of milking cows to her husband via video message. So how did her husband respond? By grabbing himself a fistful of caboose when they finally came face to face. This was no love pat, mind you, nor a sweet circular caress. No, sir. Rancher Rick went in and he went in hard with the left hand, cupping as much meat as he could in between five fingers. For poor Katie, it looked like perhaps the least comfortable manhandling of all time, certainly wedgie-inducing at the very least. (There was a lot of movement back there both during and post-grab, and a shift of such epic proportions guarantees an uncomfortable end result.)

But Katie’s rear-end pain was our gain as for the first time all season, Rick actually did something notable.  And now that’s how he’ll be remembered. Not as the dude with the moustache. Or the dude who never spoke. Or the dude who had an irrational hatred of Coach but then became his best friend. Nope. Instead, he’ll be the guy that had to go all Sir Mix-a-Lot and squeeze his wife’s derriere like a stress ball in front of all of America. I can picture the conversations he’ll have with people 10 years from now:

Rick: “Hey, I was on Survivor once.”

Stranger: “Really? Are you sure? I don’t remember you, like, at all.”

Rick: “I’m the guy that tore off my wife’s left butt cheek.”

Stranger: “RIGHT! Dude, you’re the ass grabber!”

Rick: “Well, I don’t want to brag….”

Stranger: “ASS GRAB! ASS GRAB!”

Rick: “Yeah, uh…can you keep it down a bit. It’s just that…”

Stranger: “ASS GRAB! ASS GRAB!”

Katie: “Honey, why is this man yelling ‘ass grab’?”

Rick: “Ummm, no reason. No reason at all, dear.”

Katie “Dammit, Rick! Again? See what happens when you get all handsy!”

Oh well. At least Rick finally appears to have a bit of a personality. Even if it took him being the — ahem — butt of the joke for us to see it. Here’s what else struck me about episode 13 of Survivor: South Pacific.

John’s Defeat is Complete

I could point out the ridiculousness of John complaining about being “insulted” that the Upolu people did not show him gratitude, when he showed no gratitude to the people that kept him around that he then stabbed in the back. I could chuckle about him almost tossing a hook onto himself during his duel against Ozzy. And even though I covertly just did both of those things, I’m also going to do something else: I’m going to give John some props. Not major props, mind you. But the guy hung in there against a clearly superior competitor in a contest that involved having to retrieve three bags with a grappling hook and then using one of the balls on a table maze. He came back, took the lead, and actually had a good chance to win. In the immortal words of Corey Hart, never surrender! (Of course, Corey Hart also promoted wearing sunglasses in pitch-black darkness so I’m not entirely sure if his advice is the type we should really be taking when you get right down to it.)

And as much as I detest the touchy-feely tell-me-about-your-journey elimination speeches we now get thanks to the Redemption Island twist, and as overblown and exaggerated as those I’ve-learned-so-much-about-myself tearjerkers are, even I have to admit it was cute when John called the experience “by far the most incredible moment of my life.” Because I’m pretty sure in this case the guy was not exaggerating. I think this was the most incredible moment of his life. Like with Dawn, I love it when true fans of the game get to actually play the game. I just wish John would have played it a bit better. But how cool for him to get to take part on the coolest reality show ever? And to pay tribute to John’s accomplishment in that regard, I am going to bestow upon him the greatest honor imaginable — I am going to finally refer to him by his self-appointed moniker, rather than his actual first name which he’s been referred to as for his entire life until six months ago. So well done, Cochran. You earned it.

NEXT: Father knows best…even if father is a bit looney tunes himself