“I pride myself on being a Survivor expert. I hope this doesn’t go down as one of the most idiotic moves in the history of the show.” — John Cochran
Well, not the most idiotic. That honor still goes to Erik the ice-cream scooper from Hell (Michigan) for giving away his immunity necklace and promptly being voting out. Tyson essentially kicking himself out was pretty bad too. And J.T.’s love letter to Russell was mind-boggling as well. So I wouldn’t say John flipping sides over a colored rock was the dumbest move ever. But it was pretty damn dumb. He went from having a 14 percent chance of going home by pulling a colored rock to a zero percent chance of winning by not pulling rocks. Why do I keep italicizing random words? Because I’m just so gosh-darn mad at John. I’ve been pretty harsh on the guy, but only because I had such high hopes for him. I love it when big fans get on the show, especially ones that seem ready to do awesome, devious things. But he got scared and panicked. John couldn’t have been more correct than when he said, at the end of this episode, “I feel Upolu used me.” Of course they used you! You know what that makes them? BULLIES! Apparently everyone who plays Survivor is a big bully. Like the guy John’s now going to have to beat at Redemption Island to get back in the game. Good luck with that.
Okay, let’s take it from the top of the episode. “I’m happy with my decision,” John says after watching Dawn and Whitney get voted out. (Not for long!) The next morning — perhaps trying to top last week’s story about pooping in his pants — John tells his tribe about how he used to call girls up and say “I really want to trade sperm with you,” which is not creepy in the least. Funny thing is, I have a sneaky suspicion Brandon did the same thing!
The always-bullied John then continues his trend of talking trash about his tribe mates. In this case, he compares the Upoluians to the Manson family, claiming that he doesn’t want to be Sharon Tate. But that won’t stop him from begging the Mansons to save him from the next vote, even lying about it being his birthday in three days. Sophie is not impressed. “He made an awful move,” she says of the flip-flopper. “He should have stuck with his tribe.” Uh-DUH! (Just another reason to love no-nonsense Sophie.) Albert and Coach, however, are open for sparing John for one vote and getting rid of Edna instead. At least they say they are.
Time for a Redemption (non) Island (non) duel between three people: Ozzy, Dawn, and Whitney. It’s a redo of the final immunity challenge from Survivor: China with the players having to balance bowls and such. They look like me trying to clear the entire dining room table in one trip because I’m too lazy to walk back and forth 12 feet more than once. Dawn and Whitney put up a good fight, but they’re going against Ozzy so good is not going to cut it. And you know what that means? We now have to hear both eliminated ladies wax emotional about their “adventure” and “journey.”
I’m sad to see them both go. Whitney, because she was my pregame pick to win so now I look stupid, and Dawn, because she’s a great story: the woman who applied 10 years ago, finally gets on the show, struggles mightily in her first few days and is reduced to tears, gets it together, wins her team a huge immunity challenge (reducing her to tears of joy), and then goes and wins individual immunity to boot. If you love watching people not just survive, but thrive out on the island, then you have to love Dawn. And you know whom Dawn loves? Jeff Probst! And she tells him on the way out of the arena, which is followed by this incredibly awkward and perverted exchange (when presented out of context, as I am about to do here):
Dawn: “Put it in?”
Probst: “Put it in.”
NEXT: Rick speaks. And doesn’t know what he’s saying!