“I’m hoping there’s a Secret Double Redemption Island when I walk down that path.” — Jim, after losing his duel and being eliminated
Regular readers know that I have been no fan of the Redemption Island twist. It has neutered way too much of the drama of Survivor’s signature moment — the vote-off — for my taste. That said, I am totally on board with Secret Double Redemption Island. For one thing, there’s the name Secret Double Redemption Island. It’s kinda like Double Secret Probation, but without Dean Wormer and that smug preppy suck-up Gregg. Also, the possibilities for Secret Double Redemption Island are endless.
In my vision, I see Jim leaving Redemption Island Arena after his loss to Ozzy and suddenly dissolving into mist. What happened? Where did he go? We don’t know. It’s a secret. When he finally rematerializes a la Star Trek beam technology, he finds himself alone with only a machete, a pot, flint, and the ghosts of discarded Survivor twists and turns of yesteryear — the trunk of fake cash that used to sit at Tribal Council in season 1, directions to which side of the island everyone should live on depending on their ethnicity, a fleet of cars each containing the skeletons of the contestants that won those cars and therefore never won the game, Casa de Charmin, Ryan Shoulders’ “Die, Jerks” Outcasts buff, and, of course, a Medallion of Power which, in the greatest twist of all, contains no power whatsoever.
Of course, all contestants who are sent to Secret Double Redemption Island must enter Secret Double Redemption Island Arena, where they will compete in the ultimate duel: seeing who can last the longest in a never-ending double-feature loop screening of Gulliver’s Travels and Jack & Jill. The loser goes home. The winner stays alive. (But how alive can one person truly be after sitting through such a torturous experience?) The victor immediately reenters the game where he is beaten to a bloody pulp by his tribe after quoting entire scenes from the films while suggesting they all dress in drag and “get our Sandler on!”
I won’t make the same mistake. I hereby promise the rest of this recap will be 100% Sandler-free. And with that, we’re off for another exciting episode of Survivor: South Pacific. The episode begins with Jim arriving at Redemption Island. “I thought we were supposed to be in the final three,” he says to Keith and Ozzy. Who knows? Maybe you would have been if you had voted John off instead of Elyse. Or voted John off instead of Ozzy. Oh well. “I hate to say I told you so, gentlemen,” groans Ozzy, “so I won’t say it.” YOU JUST DID! Don’t be a wiener, Ozzy.
Back at Te Tuna (which I feel stupid typing every single time), Coach is busy telling everyone how awful Jim is and how Whitney and Dawn have nothing to worry about. That sounds great! Unless they’re worried about…you know, getting voted off, in which case, what the hell are you talking about, Coach? They have everything to worry about. Not only is Whitney worried, she says that other members of Upolu should be worried as well since all six of them (including John) can’t get to the finals with Coach. “I kind of want to laugh at them,” she says. “I don’t understand how these smart people can be so stupid.”
NEXT: Yummy Coach Kool-Aid for sale!