Robert Voets/CBS
Dalton Ross
October 25, 2017 AT 09:00 PM EDT

I’m kind of a germaphobe. Not a super crazy one, mind you. Well, on second thought, maybe I am a super crazy one. When anyone in my family gets sick I basically quarantine myself off from all of them. There may or may not have been an incident where my sick daughter came up to me with tears in her eyes sobbing, “Daddy, I don’t feel well. I need a hug,” only to get the response, “Daddy’s hugs cost $5 billion dollars. Go see your mother.” I may or may not be known for carrying Purell in my pocket for immediate emergency hand cleansing after an inordinate amount of hand shaking. And I can neither confirm nor deny that I have been accused of pretending not to see someone just so I can avoid any and all bodily contact.

Which is why I almost straight-up hurled watching Cole on this latest episode of Survivor. The dude was just licking…everything! And I realize that may sound disgusting, but trust me, in this case it was even more disgusting than it sounds. He was licking spoons. He was licking fingers. He was licking jars. There was so much licking going on I half-thought he was merely paying homage to everyone’s favorite Caucasian Canadian reggae artist, because homeboy was all “licky boom boom down” on anything that moved. The Snow comparison actually tracks because with all the secrets Cole has been spilling, he certainly could be referred to as an “Informer.” But then I remembered that Canadians aren’t allowed on Survivor so there goes that theory. (That’s so unfair, eh?)

Seriously, what the hell? We saw Cole basically have mouth sex with a spoon, then put the spoon back in the jar for other people to enjoy his sloppy seconds. I mean, I know dating a virgin can lead to some — um…frustration, we’ll call it — but cheating on Jessica with a spoon? Dude, that’s rough. And now other people are expected to use that spoon? Honestly, this was my worst nightmare. It’s like the world’s most extreme case of double-dipping. (Speaking of which, when will human beings realize the solution to avoid double-dipping is to simply break the chip in half before dipping. That way you can dip each side of the chip once and yet still get two dips per chip? When will our national nightmare end?)

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Every time the camera cut to Cole licking his fingers I threw up a little bit in mouth. To make matters worse, Lauren accused Cole — no doubt already sexually aroused after his tryst with the spoon — of fondling his own man parts in between dipping his hands into the communal peanut butter and jelly. Again, I’m trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt considering he’s dating a virgin, but if I were out there and had the choice between either starving or eating Cole’s crotch jelly, then I’d be starving. And have you seen me? I’m so scrawny I make Ryan look like the freakin’ Rock. I can’t afford to starve or else a moderate-to-strong breeze will just carry me away. Jeez, the licking of the spoon? The crotch fondling? Shouldn’t the Sex Doctor be weighing in on all of this? Isn’t that why he’s there? Do you really expect me to believe it is mere coincidence that Cole, the Sex Doctor, and the virgin all ended up on the same tribe? Au contraire, mon frère.

As much as I talk about putting up with nonsense and not letting personal feelings get in the way of strategic decisions, these Cole shenanigans might push me over the edge. Hell, when someone covers a sneeze with their hands instead of vampire sneezing into their elbow, that pushes me over the edge, so you can imagine how I would feel about this. Along with blabbing everyone’s secrets to everyone for no reason, that’s two strikes against Cole — and it looks like he may be out next week…at least passed out, judging by the preview.

Okay, we need to get through the rest of the episode, culminating in a big decision for Ryan that I am warning you right now I will spend waaaaaay too much time dissecting the pros and cons of. Yes, I just ended a sentence in a grammatically incorrect fashion. That’s how off the chain things are going to get this week! But really quickly — because I always need a minimum of one off-topic tangent per paragraph — I am going to have to not-so-sneakily transition into the role of shameless salesman for a minute. If you’re a Survivor fan — and I have to assume you are, otherwise I have NO IDEA why you would be reading this (it’s certainly not for the prose) — I must recommend you read an amazing Survivor piece that posted yesterday. I can call it amazing because I did not write it. Rather, former players did. Thirty-five of them, to be exact. To help celebrate season 35, I asked 35 former players to share their fondest memories from their time on the show, and what they responded with is a mix of humor, heart, and just plain weirdness. I am not exaggerating in the least when I say that you actually may laugh and cry while reading it, so please do yourself a favor and check it out right here.

Tangent done! Let’s recap this S.O.B!

Joe Can Read Minds!
I wrote last week that Joe was probably full of it in saying that he could read Ashley’s face and that’s why he kept the idol for himself. And I do maintain that he still was partly full of it because I don’t think there was any chance he was going to actually part with the idol and allow himself to be vulnerable to being voted out. And let’s be clear: That’s not a dig at Joe. I wouldn’t have shared my idol in that spot either.

But just because he would not have given up the idol does not mean Ashley did not tip him off with her facial reaction, and according to everyone there, that’s exactly what she did. First, Probst backed up Joe’s account in our weekly Q&A. Then Alan confirmed it as well — even after saying how much he could not stand the guy — and now at the start of the episode, even the guilty party in Ashley ‘fesses up, saying, “I caught myself as soon as I did it.” So let’s give credit where credit is due. But let’s also be real: No way Joe gives up that idol, no mater what Ashley’s face says. And nor should he have. (Recap continues on next page)

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