Robert Voets/CBS
Dalton Ross
October 04, 2017 AT 09:00 PM EDT

Survivor

type
TV Show
genre
Reality TV
run date
05/31/00
performer
Jeff Probst
broadcaster
CBS
seasons
35
Current Status
In Season

After Simone gets a cookie and a sticker for defecating in the water, we head over to the Healers tribe, where another power couple could be forming. “I think Jessica is super cute,” Cole informs us. “She’s a cool girl. I could see myself with her.” There’s just one problem when it comes to Jessica, and I don’t want to sugarcoat it, ladies and gentlemen, because it’s a biggie. How bad could it be? Is Jessica an evil person who worships at the altar of Sauron? Worse. Does she have a puppy-murdering farm where she kills cute little doggies for giggles? Worse. Does she hold fast and true to her belief that Han, in fact, did NOT shoot first? Much, much worse. You see, the ginormous cloud hanging over Jessica’s head is that she is — gasp! — 30.

I KNOW! If this were Survivor: Panama she’d be two years away from the dreaded “Older Woman” tribe. You have to understand, this is a dog years situation. Being 30 in reality TV is like being 112 in normal society. Just get the woman a cane and a pair of Depends already! Surprisingly — or perhaps not — there is a lot of chatter about beauty on the Healers tribe as we also barge right in on a conversation of Desi talking about how she was Miss Virginia twice and then shift over to Joe telling Mike he’s “one ugly dude.”

This segues into a transition of Joe realizing his strategy of telling everyone that Mike has the idol has been backfiring a bit since it means he can’t go looking for it himself. But where there’s a will (and a well-positioned cameraman) there’s a way. Joe finds an idol map on a tree but can’t figure it out, so he pulls Cole in to help. And Cole does help. He informs Joe that the map shows the idol is buried by the well. So they dig. I cannot tell you how much I wanted Cole to find this idol. I wanted it with every fiber of my being. Not that I give a crap about Cole. He seems nice enough, but he’s done nothing to inform my opinion of him one way or another. I just wanted to see what Joe would have done had Cole dug it up first. And what would Cole have done? Would he have played a game of Finders Keepers, or deferred and given it over to Joe? My gut tells me it would have been the latter, but I would trade in my entire Vanilla Ice bubblegum collection (it exists) to have seen how Joe would have reacted had Cole not handed it over. Alas, no luck.

Meanwhile, over on the Heroes tribe — by the way, does anyone know or care about the actual tribe names? I think one is like Yucatan or Yugo or something — it is suddenly dawning on JP that he is doing this all wrong. He says it sucks being called a power couple with Ashley because they’re not even hooking up. It seems everyone thinks they are friends with benefits…but without the benefits. And now JP is all, If we’re going to be treated like a couple, I may as well get some damn benefits! Homeboy wants to get his Blue Cross Blue Shield on! (Speaking of which, what is the difference between Blue Cross and Blue Shield? Can’t we just settle on one? It seems unnecessarily repetitive. And yes, the irony that I, of all people, am complaining about something being unnecessarily long is not lost on me.)

I still don’t understand wanting to do the hibbity-dibbity when you are all unshowered with no dental hygiene and at the mercy of random idol strip searches, but maybe that’s just because I am an asexual cyborg when it comes to this game. I’d just be feeling more nasty than thinking about the nasty. Then again, I’d do just about anything with anybody to get my hands on some of that lobster in JP’s hand — and no, that is not a euphemism. At least I don’t think so. Sometimes you have dig pretty deep down to get at the root meaning of things we say and do.

While we’re on the subject of analyzing, check out the financial analyst making some moves! Chrissy was on the outs last week yet did not use that idol to save fellow outsider Katrina. (I complained about the weird editing that did not show us any reasoning for Chrissy’s decision, and that was backed up by my exit interview with Katrina, in which she said Chrissy actually “was out to get me from the moment she met me” — something we never got a hint of on the show.)

So now Chrissy has to go from out to in. She says her job is to analyze data, so she’s going to analyze the players on her tribe…which I kind of thought was my job but okay, whatever. Her take on JP? “Truthfully I just don’t think he’s that smart.” DAMN! And I thought I was rough on these people. I’m now like the dude setting up semi-stalkery social media fan accounts for all the players in comparison to Call-It-Like-I-See-It Chrissy. Chrissy is also not feeling Ashley (whom she does not trust) or Alan (who for all we know may start taking off his own clothes at some point to look for an idol). (Recap continues on next page)

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