Timothy Kuratek/CBS
Dalton Ross
March 08, 2017 AT 10:00 PM EST

So off to the beaches we go! Let’s start at Mana, where Hali insists that everyone there is a snake in the grass but she is the cobra who strikes and you don’t know what hit you. Whether that is because other people don’t even realize she is there or not is open to debate, but watch those ankles and calves, everyone! Then, within seconds of hitting the beach, Tony sprints away while screaming like a lunatic. I have no idea what Tony’s strategy is here, but if I had to venture a guess it would be something like, My-plan-is-to-act-so-crazy-that-they-would-have-to-be-crazy-to-get-rid-of-me. Now, granted, that makes no sense, but that’s my best shot at it.

Later, he will start sprinting again, this time to the water well to work on his spy bunker. Again, I cannot emphasize enough what a terrible idea the underground spy bunker is. Also, what if someone, like, steps on you? So many problems with this plan. Problems like being caught digging — which is exactly what happens when Troyzan (not he real name, incidentally) walks by. Troyzan tells Malcolm, who tells Hali, who tells Ciera, Aubry, and Michaela, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on… (There I go dating myself again. Nobody under 40 will understand what the hell I am talking about. Then again, it’s probably a fair bet that people over 40 even don’t know what the hell I am talking about most of the time either.)

I kind of want to devote an entire paragraph to Caleb slipping and falling on the rocks, but then I feel bad. I mean, that was a hard fall. It looks like that seriously hurt. So why am I laughing? Clearly editors thought it was a funny moment as well because they put it in there. Why are we such terrible people that watching some poor guy land with a thud on rocks sends us into hysterics? And does it make me any less of a terrible person that I am openly acknowledging how terrible I am? Or does the fact that I recognize it and am still laughing make me even worse? See, this is the type of stuff I think about when I am not thinking about Survivor. When you combine them into one combo platter it’s as if the rest of my life comes to a full stop. By the way, I just devoted an entire paragraph to Caleb slipping and falling on the rocks.

Okay, so back to crazy Tony. Ciera says they should get rid of him. As much as I despise this idea, it makes sense. But now, because Ciera has been throwing names out, she has become a target. Which is kind of silly, but silly things happen on Survivor.

Meanwhile, over at Nuku, these bastards are living the high life. Their beach is stunning, they have an insane amount of food (including what appear to be 312 chickens), and they have that tool kit to build whatever the hell you build out on a deserted island. While Zeke is busy talking about how he wants to “lather myself in the blood of my enemies” — great idea for a reward, by the way — Sierra opens her secret Legacy Advantage, left for her on the boat by Ken McKnickle himself. It turns out this Legacy Advantage can be used by the owner for immunity when there are either 13 or 6 people left in the game, and like last time, must be willed to another player if the owner is voted out.

Hey, who wants to dig up feuds from 18 seasons ago? Ozzy, that’s who! Ozzy starts telling folks around camp that his Micronesia nemesis Cirie should be the first to go. Just one problem: One of the people he tells if Tai, who is as bad at lying as he is good at saving chickens. When Cirie later asks Tai if she’s okay with Ozzy, the Vietnamese gardener acts like he’s been hit by Mr. Freeze’s ray gun. He stands there motionless (and emotionless) for what seems like an eternity (or, roughly the same amount of time it takes Eliza Orlins or Hannah Shapiro to cast a pivotal vote at Tribal Council). It’s actually difficult to watch. Watching people lie badly is one of the most uncomfortable things imaginable. I actually was viewing this entire scene through my fingers on my face, as if that would somehow protect me from the strategic suicide happening on screen in front of me. It did not. Seriously, I can’t take it anymore. Let’s head to the immunity challenge before I gouge my eyes out.

NEXT: The last minute challenge change by producers

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