Whooooooaaaaaa, what’s up, Bros and Bettys? Like, it’s totally me, Taylor! Or you can call me Tales. Or Tails. Or Bro. So, my main bro, Dalton — who is not really much of a bro, but don’t tell him that — asked me to fill in on this week’s Survivor recap, and I was all “ROCK ON!” He was all, “Take it seriously, dude,” and I was like, “How do you spell seriously?”
Hey, man, I’m not a writer, I’m a liver. And I’m living the dream. All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine — that’s what I say. Or someone said that, at least. But life has been seriously less than chill ever since my girl Figgs got a one-way ticket to Bummertown. Like, who am I supposed to mouth, “You are hot” to over and over now? Bret? Groady. But no worries.
Anyway, I totally watched this week’s Survivor, and at first I was all “Yuh!” And then I was all “Ooooooooo.” Then I got hungry and went and took all my roommate’s food, which is TOTALLY not stealing, by the way. Than I was all “Yuh!” again. But in the end, it was, like, “Oooooooo.” Survivor is deep, man. Makes my head hurt.
So, like, Dalton told me his recaps come in around 3,000 words. I’m at 200. So I guess I have to talk more about, like, my thoughts and stuff. Soooooo, like, hidden immunity idols! Am I right? Crazy! Wow, man, there’s just, like, so much stuff. Things are more… moderner than before. Bigger, and yet… smaller. It’s computers. Uhhhhhh… SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!!
Okay, that about enough of that. Dalton Ross here. I’d like to formally apologize for the above. I thought Taylor could cover for me this week and offer some Jack Handey level Deep Thoughts, but clearly I thought wrong. So you’re stuck with me for another week. But I’m going to break form a bit, and instead of going through every nook and cranny of the episode, I instead want to touch on some bigger themes and questions. Let me just set up this metronome that Taylor can stare at to keep his mind occupied while we continue on.
Two became three, and then three became one as the tribes merged. You could see this coming, which is exactly why I argued that Jay should have waited to get rid of Michaela until he saw how the numbers shook out post-merge. (You think he regrets that move now?) He certainly didn’t regret it at the start of the episode, telling us that, “I’m pretty proud of myself.” It must be nice to feel proud of yourself. I recap reality television shows for a living, so it’s not really a sensation with which I am too familiar.
Basically, every Millennial entering the merge fell into one of two camps: Those that thought they were in a great position to run the game, and those who wanted revenge. Hannah fell into the latter category, instructing us that, “Jay thinks I’m this pathetic idiot that can’t see past his pretty face, and intense gameplay, and chiseled abs, and unwavering confidence, and hairless torso, and devil-may-care smile, and magnetic charisma, and….” She would have kept going but started hyperventilating again at the memory of Michaela’s ouster.
Everyone, it seemed, had cause for optimism, which is something you don’t usually see. Aside from the reunited Kappa Kappa Survivor, you also had Zeke reforming his “nerd voting bloc,” while Chris was excited to merge his Vanua and Gen X alliances into one. Everyone saw a viable path to victory, which means this merge happened at just the right time with just the right people.
Oh, and by the way, in case you were wondering, Vinaka means “thank you.” So I’d like to go on record as saying Vinaka to the remaining players for not naming their merge tribe after a stuffed animal or the backward spelling of an old one-night stand that you tricked everyone into thinking was actually a word meaning tranquility in the local native tongue. (I mean, I would have named my tribe Scoopadacrispy, but you can’t have it all people.)
Speaking of which, FUN FACT ALERT! We had our EW PopFest convention the other week out in Los Angeles. Fans flew in from everywhere (including overseas) to compete in real Survivor challenges against folks like Tai, Woo, Ozzy, Rob C., Abi-Maria, Mari, Peih-Gee, and others while Jeff Probst called the action. Well, one of the others was Phillip “The Specialist” Sheppard. I went up to say hello to Phillip and thank him for coming, and it was clear — even though we met on location and have spoken several times — that he had no idea whom I was. He thought I was a fan, which I guess in certain respects is on the money enough. I cannot report what color underwear he was wearing, but I can say that he was rocking some tremendous facial hair.
NEXT: A new twist in the game