There’s a lot to get into for this week’s Survivor recap. We had our first-ever tribe expansion (from two tribes to three), a return to the Haves and Have-Nots twist from Fiji, and Joe literally choking the chicken…which is not nearly as dirty as it sounds. But first, can I make a request? It’s a simple request, really. I’m looking for volunteers. Even one volunteer will do. But it’s time we rise up as a community and give back. It’s time we stand up and make a difference. Because our help is clearly needed.
My request is this: Can someone please form an alliance with Woo? Someone? Anyone? Because I can’t take it anymore. That lost look when he finds out after a challenge that deals are being made behind his back. That helpless gaze when the vote does not go the way he thinks it’s going to go at Tribal Council. That sad-sack disposition when he says out loud, “Jeff, are we still in an alliance? Why didn’t you make a deal with me?” This stuff is breaking my heart, ladies and gentlemen.
Woo looks like that dog that keeps waiting at the train station for his dead owner to come back from work in some weepy Richard Gere movie — a mixture of confusion and mild depression. I want to reach out, scratch his head, tell him he’s a good boy, and hook him up with a Milk-Bone or something.
I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of this. It’s bad enough the dude made a million-dollar mistake last time around by bringing Tony to the finals. Now he has to constantly look clueless — whether being ignored strategically or butchering the spelling of people’s names at Tribal Council. The guy just needs a rock steady alliance partner that can navigate the trickier social and strategic waters and keep Woo afloat. Anyone can do it. Well, almost anyone. Requirements include:
- Not believing the last thing someone tells you
- Telling Woo he does not need to believe the last thing someone tells him
- Checking whether someone makes eye contact with you when they talk
- Informing Woo that if someone is not making eye contact with him when they talk that they are probably lying
- Periodically asking Woo about his favorite martial arts maneuver to keep him in his happy place
- Acting as power of attorney to make and/or break deals with other players on Woo’s behalf so he can hang back at the shelter and talk to himself about surfing and other things he is “stoked” about
That’s really about it. Applications are now being accepted online at www.woosvacantgaze.com. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Won’t you be Woo’s friend?
Okay, it’s recap time and there ain’t nothing to it but to get to it, so let’s jump right in. We begin after Shirin’s exit from Tribal Council. Spencer talks about his need to change as a player and how people who have been able to change in past returning-player seasons have been rewarded. It is an underdog speech that appears be have been ripped cleanly out of the Winner’s Edit Handbook. The only question is whether Spencer’s name will be added next to Cochran and Tyson’s. (Hopefully so, because it has been 15 seasons and counting since I picked a winner from the start, and Spencer was my pick this go-round.)
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Meanwhile, Terry is loving the latest development, which saw him go from the very bottom to the top of his tribe totem pole. “Boy, I’m on top of the world right now,” he exclaims. “Life is good.” And this speech has been ripped cleanly out of the Say Something About How Perfect Everything Is So We Can Screw You Over With a Tribe Swap Handbook. Because guess what’s coming next…
This whole prop-you-up-to-screw-you-over theme continues when both tribes meet Jeff Probst on the beach. Varner and Woo talk all about how they have team unity back at camp. Kass mentions about how happy she is. It’s a freakin’ Kumbaya moment. Time to tear it all down. It’s tribe switcheroo time.
NEXT: Three is the magic number