We knew this time would come. We couldn’t continue the charade forever. It was nice while it lasted, but alas, that time is over. I’m sorry to break it to you all, but yes, we now finally need to learn the actual Survivor tribe names. Well, two of them at least. I have no idea what the actual White Collar tribe name was. Mascara, maybe? Mesculin? No! Masaya! That’s it. Poor Masaya. Literally the most invisible tribe name in the history of Survivor, save for Bayoneta and Viveros, which were disbanded just four days into Survivor: Panama. Yes, four days. As in they lasted all of one episode.
So anyway, now that that the players have been switched up and contracted from three to two tribes, we actually have to start using the real names, which I believe are Nicorette and either Eskimo or Pablo Escobar. Wait, that doesn’t sound right—let me look them up real quick…. Okay, that was wrong. Nagarote and Escameca. Whatever, I was close.
But can you blame me? I always get so confused when there are official tribe names but the tribes are only referred to by some other moniker like “Heroes” or “Fans” or “Older Women” (which I still can’t believe didn’t get Jeff Probst killed). Further confusing matters is that this season is called Survivor: Worlds Apart, yet when Probst revealed whom he was booting at Tribal Council for the first few weeks he would say “The second person voted out of Survivor: White Collar Blue Collar No Collar…” Why do that when Worlds Apart is the title of the show and about a million times easier and less repetitive to say? Also, you never would have said “The second person voted out of Islands of Fire…” or “The second person voted out of Earth’s Last Eden…” By the way, bonus points if you can name what seasons those were. (Sorry, you’re not eligible, Max.)
Thankfully, Probst figured this out and by week three just went with “The third person voted out…” But again, why not just say, “The third person voted out of Survivor: Worlds Apart”? Hey, I may not know my mom’s telephone number, but I can obsess over minutiae like this any and every day of the week. Which brings us to Max and Shirin. I just don’t get it. Do they not realize that constantly pointing out how much you know about Survivor IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO ON SURVIVOR?!? When I was out there in Samoa for Johnny Cochran’s first season of South Pacific, I watched him spewing out lots of Survivor factoids for the rest of the tribe and I came this close to breaking the sanctity of the “do not interact with the castmates” rule to smack some sense into him. (Had I done that, I also would have commanded him to not be so scared of colored rocks.)
The point is, if I were playing Survivor, the first person I would get rid of would be the person who knew too much about Survivor—so yes, basically I am saying I would get rid of myself. But then again, if I were playing Survivor, I would not idiotically go around telling everyone everything I knew. I wouldn’t be all “You know, if Wanda just had kept the singing to a minimum she may not have been eliminated at the schoolyard pick ‘em on Palau before they even formed tribes.” And just to close the circle on this confusing Catch-22 example, the entire exercise is actually moot because I would never even go on Survivor because I have no aspirations whatsoever to be a reality TV contestant. So there’s that.
Look, I want to root for the superfans. I like when superfans play. I just hate when superfans let everyone know they are superfans. It’s just not smart and paints a huge target on your back. As Jenn herself said, “Why would they let us know they know that much about Survivor?” Excellent question. The fact that Max has made a living by obsessing over Survivor can’t help but make him a kindred spirit of sorts so I would have liked to have seen him do well. He can partly blame the tribe switcheroo for his demise, to be sure. But he certainly didn’t help his cause either. Also, foot warts.
Okay, sooooooo much to get to with two episodes, a challenge injury, a tribe switcheroo, and Rodney’s enlightened take on the female sex, so, let’s spend way too much time attacking this sucker.
NEXT: A Brutal Blow