I’ve never been to a nude beach. Nor will I ever. I mean, I honestly don’t understand the appeal. There’s always just, like, stuff hanging out everywhere. Dude stuff. Chick stuff. Just way too much stuff in general. And your choices pretty much suck: You either look at it and you come off like a perv, or you don’t look at it and you come off like a sexually repressed perv. It’s a no-win situation. Plus, let’s be honest—not all the merchandise belongs in the display window, if you catch my drift. Speaking of which, I know people don’t want to check out my stuff, so that adds a whole other layer of humiliation into the proceedings. A nude beach is my biggest nightmare.
I bring this up because everyone was getting naked this week on Survivor. Jenn and Hali had a hearing-people-only skinny dipping expedition, Max hides his face with a beard but left everything else out for show, and even Shirin went bottomless while bending over in all sorts of awkward positions while hunting for crabs, because what is more sexy than that?!?
What’s with the sudden obsession with going au natural? Is it all about shedding the last shackles of society? Is it just getting out of a dirty and possible chafing swimsuit for a bit? Or, is it a coy ploy for more airtime? I can’t help but feel that with someone like Max—who has studied this show and the contestants who have played it—it might be more about being a “character” and getting that extra camera time. Max is smart enough to know that to be a person who stands out and is invited back you have play to the cameras… even if that playing happens to be in your birthday suit. (He even admitted as much that he was doing it as a tip of the cap to players before him. And how would he know who had done it before him? Because it always made it onto television! Camera time guaranteed.)
Let’s just all thank our lucky stars that Dan did not also walk around free-ballin’ after getting hit by a wave and losing his shorts while performing the patented Survivor “aqua dump” out in the water. He also managed to lose his “Manties”: that vomit-inducing banana hammock he rocked last week. Because Dan lost his underwear, he couldn’t put his long pants on due to the fact that “I can’t raw dog in jeans”—which, by the way, is going to be the name of my next concept album—so he used his shirt as a skirt, Rupert style. Anyhoo, this got me thinking: Which is a more horrifying sight—Completely Naked Dan or Budgie Smuggler Dan? Both are approaching Medussa levels, but I actually think the Manties version could be worse. Alas, let’s bid farewell to Dan’s crotch cradle with one last look.
I’m sorry I did that to you, dear reader. I had no right. Clearly, I have overstepped my bounds. So to make it up and hopefully get back in your good graces, allow me to recap the latest episode of Survivor: Worlds Apart. We’ll skip all the Dan Manties stuff—or “Danties,” if you will—since we already touched on that. Ugh. I can’t believe I just used the words “Dan Manties” and “touched” in the same sentence. I need to go Purell my entire brain right now. But hey, if I have to suffer, you have to suffer with me. So with that in mind, here you go once again:
Again, my apologies. That was the last time—I swear! But the poor guy! To reiterate, HE CAN’T RAW DOG IN JEANS! What kind of life is that if you can’t “raw dog”? I’ll tell you what kind of life—a terrible one. So let’s fast-forward past the assorted tribe nudity and get to the really good stuff instead—namely, tears. And in this case, Nina’s tears, because she thinks she’s being ostracized due to her deafness. She calls out Hali and Jenn for not inviting her to disrobe and claims “You guys have ignored me since day 1.” Jenn’s response: “Well, you haven’t been jumping into the conversations either.” Hmm… I wonder why that is? Could it possibly have something to do with—and I’m just spitballing here—the fact that, oh…I don’t know…SHE HAPPENS TO BE DEAF?!?
I love this entire argument because it boils down to Nina saying she is being ignored because she’s deaf, and Jenn arguing back that they are only ignoring her because she is not partaking in the conversations… that she cannot hear. The logic of this is astounding. It reminds me of the time I tried to convince my daughter Violet that a work shed near our house was actually a “zombie container.” The conversation went a little something like this:
VIOLET: “What is that thing?”
ME: “That’s a zombie container.
VIOLET: “Dad, there is no such thing as zombies.”
ME: “Then why do they need a zombie container?”
VIOLET: “That’s not a zombie container.”
ME: “Oh yeah? Well then where do they put the zombies?”
This would continue back and forth with no backing down on either side until poor Violet finally realized the futility of her position and the whole situation ended in tears (for her) and laughter (for me). By the way, have I mentioned that I am a terrible parent? As for the chicken-and-the-egg No Collar argument, there’s no doubt that Jenn and Hali come off pretty poorly in this whole exchange, but there is often more happening at the camp than we get to see in the little snippets that make it on to air. Not defending them by any means, but also not ready to destroy them either… yet.
NEXT: Vince tells Joe to tell him how awful Joe is