I was this close to writing the following to kick off my Survivor finale recap: ARE YOU F&¢%ING KIDDING ME?!?!
It’s a rhetorical question, of course. And a somewhat crude one as well. But as Jeffrey Probst delivered the votes from Nicaragua to Los Angeles—neither by jet ski nor by skydiving, I might add—I had to wonder: Holy crap, is this jury going to actually vote Jaclyn as the winner of Survivor: San Juan del Sur. Is that seriously about to happen? Do these people honestly think that Jaclyn played a better game than Natalie, who made big move after big move?
There was no way, right? Okay, we knew she would get Jon’s vote. If she didn’t get his, then that five-hour silent treatment before that one Tribal Council could end up extending to a lifetime. Jon’s vote—fine. That’s one. But what the hell is Reed doing voting for her?!? Reed knows this game. He’s a huge fan. He too tried to make big moves. How in the name of the Medallion of Power could he actually vote for Jaclyn as the most deserving player? When they showed that vote from Reed I almost spit my Milwaukee’s Best halfway across the room. And then disaster scenarios started dancing in my head. Well, if Reed voted for Jaclyn to win, then his boyfriend Josh may do the same. Now Jaclyn is at 3 votes. And what about those knuckleheads Keith, Wes, and Alec? They are more clueless than Alicia Silverstone, so who knows how they’ll vote? For all we know they may vote for freakin’ John Rocker to win! But if they don’t, they just as easily could vote for Jaclyn. NOW WE’RE AT 6 VOTES! HOLY TYLER PERRY IDOL, JACLYN IS GOING TO WIN!!! This season’s one saving grace of a Natalie victory is about to be ripped away from us!
But it was all a ruse, as I hoped it would be. I am kind of guessing Reed just voted for Jaclyn to give her second place money over Missy. (Vytas did the same thing for Monica in the last Blood vs. Water.) In any event, Natalie indeed did take her rightful place as winner. Truthfully, when they kept cutting to Jon’s smiling face on the jury as the votes were being cast, I figured it was a pump-fake, but you just never know. And that Reed vote truly did throw me. I’m not writing all this to hate on Jaclyn, but there was no doubt who played the bigger game. It was Natalie, all the way. Even when her moves were questionable—and I still go back and forth on Natalie’s play to oust Baylor, because going to the end with Baylor and her mom seems like kind of a dream scenario, even if it would strengthen their argument that they played the best by getting both of them to the end—Natalie was always playing, always thinking ahead, always taking risks. That’s the type of game that should be rewarded. And, thankfully, it was. Had it not been—total disaster. As in Amber Brkich/Natalie White disaster. The other interesting thing about the final Tribal Council is that…
…We now interrupt your regularly scheduled Survivor recap to bring you live coverage of the current WSA meeting, already in progress…
Okay, looks like everybody’s here. I think we can begin. Welcome, everyone, to another meeting of WSA, or Wicked Stepmothers Anonymous—although we’ve allowed for EW.com to carry a portion of this meeting live, so not so anonymous anymore, it would seem. Anyhoo, I’d like to thank The Evil Queen for bringing tonight’s pastries. They truly are the fairest pastries in all the land. No doubt about that! Hey, watch out for those apples though, am I right? Anyone? Magic Mirror? Sneezy Dwarf? Anyone? Just a little scullery maid humor for you there. Okay, let’s see, I believe this week it is Lady Tremaine’s turn to kick things off. Tremaine?
“Yes, well, it’s about time! As she mentioned, my name is Lady Tremaine. And I am a Wicked Stepmother.”
Hi, Lady Tremaine.
“Although really, ladies, what’s so wicked about locking your stepdaughter up in the attic? After all, that little hussy was off dancing with strange men and hanging out with talking mice. Of all the nerve! Okay, so, technically yes, I tripped the royal footman with the glass slipper, but honestly, ladies—WHO HASN’T? Anyway, Anastasia and Drizella thought it was perfectly acceptable. I mean, it’s not like I poisoned anyone. [Shoots glance over at Evil Queen]. That’s all.”
Thank you, Lady Tremaine. Okay, looks like Queen Narissa is next.
“Ugh. Fine. Queen Narissa’s the name.”
“And I’m sorry, but I don’t buy this Wicked Stepmother crap. I mean, yes, I may have morphed into a dragon and threatened to burn down all of New York City. Fine, point granted. But hellooooooo, are we all ignoring the fact that if it hadn’t been for me, my stepson Prince Edward would have married that animated floozy Giselle? Then he never would have met and fallen in love with his true soul mate, Adele Dazeem? And Giselle never would have shacked up with the pizza delivery guy from Loverboy either. Now they’re all happy, and why? Because of me! Narissa—out! [Drops mic on floor]”
Um, thank you Narissa. Well, ladies we have a new member joining us today. She comes to us via her sponsor, Baroness Von Schrader. Her name is Missy. She comes straight from Nicaragua, and she’d like to say a few words.
[Hobbles up to podium with makeshift crutches] “Yeah, hi. So, like the lady said, I’m Missy.”
“Er…not for nothing but I did notice there are not a lot of men around. No big deal, of course, but, you know, I haven’t married someone in a few months, so, you know… running a bit behind quota, if you catch my drift.”
“Yeah, so, anyway… do you all have some rice I can cook and give to my daughter Baylor? That would be great. You can just hand it all over to me and I’ll take care of it. Rationing is my strong suit.”
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Survivor recap, still in progress…
…and so that is my story of how I beat Wes in a chicken nugget eating contest. Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. It’s time to take it from the top of the episode. Here is it, our last Survivor recap of the season. I don’t need no stinkin’ crutches. Let’s do this thing!
NEXT: Keith plays with his balls