I have no idea what just happened. Not a clue. I mean, for a second there I thought I was watching an old Abbott & Costello routine, but instead of trying to figure out “Who’s on First?” I am stuck attempting to comprehend who exactly voted for whom at Hunahpu’s first Tribal Council and why. Let’s see here…okay, as far as I can tell it went a little something like this: Jeremy wanted Keith out, but instead voted for Drew. Jon wanted Julie out, but instead voted for Keith even though the guy who wanted Keith out didn’t vote for him. Keith and Reed voted for Julie, even though the guy who wanted Julie out didn’t vote for her. Knowing Natalie, she probably voted for John Rocker even though he is not even on her tribe and is already out of the game, and Drew voted for Kelley because “basically, I’m a badass and the manipulator of this game.” And then the badass manipulator was voted out.
LUNACY! Absolute lunacy. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. The only thing that upsets me about this entire charade is that we won’t have a chance to see how all this madness and mayhem plays out since previews for next week show Probst ordering the players to “Drop your buffs”—signaling tribe switcheroo time. That’s too bad. I was looking forward to seeing how everything was going to shake out at Hunahpu after the vote. Would the women take out the feuding fellas? Would they ever come up short in another challenge without that dingbat losing on purpose? Would Keith go sneak his hidden immunity idol into Jeremy’s pocket and then be all, “See! I told ya he had it! And just for the record, I didn’t do no spoonin’ with that other guy at Exile Island either!”?
Alas, we’ll never know. But I do know a few things: I know that the guys on that tribe are not very smart. I know that Chili Cheese Fritos are the most underrated snack on the planet. And I know that I am actually down in Orlando, Florida at Universal Studios with EW Radio this week, so need to make this a shorter recap than normal—hey, stop applauding!—so I can get back to escaping zombies at the Walking Dead horror maze and consuming ungodly amounts of Butterbeer. But let’s touch on all the big important moments from this latest episode of Survivor.
I was right there on day 2 when Hunahpu lost the flint. I watched them search in vain for it for close to an hour. When I left the tribe camp, I figured they’d find it, and they did. Only problem is, it was six days later and in that time they had already traded away the fishing gear they won for a new flint. Oh well, them’s the breaks. At least, that’s what any normal person would think. However, Mr. No Shirts, No Shoes, No Dice Jeff Spicoli had a different idea. After pounding a brand new pair of Vans against his head and uttering “That was my skull—I’m so wasted!” Drew informed us that he wanted to use their extra flint to barter with Jeff to get the fishing gear back: “I think I’m going to balls up and say, ‘work with me, Jeff.'”
Okay, first off, “balls up” is one of the most unfortunate expressions I have ever heard on Survivor—and keep in mind, I have heard Jeff Probst deliver play-by-play on a lot of ball-related challenges. So Drew did “ball up” and try and trade the flint back for “maybe half the fishing gear; maybe just a mask, a snorkel, and a spear, something to put some food on the table”—leading Probst to totally mess with the tribe for a good 30 seconds. The fact that Drew even attempted this was the first clue that he might not be the most self-aware person to play this game. There would be plenty more examples of this to come.
NEXT: Drew sabotages his tribe… and himself