Here’s a list of things I am bad at: penmanship, dancing, cleaning, spelling, remembering my wife’s half birthday (because that is an absurd thing to have to remember), arts and crafts, performing Sir Mix-a-Lot karaoke, gaining weight, leaving coherent voicemail messages, writing recaps in the voice of Jimmy T., not puking on boats, and anything involving even an iota of patience. It’s a partial list, really. I could go on forever. I suck at a lot of stuff.
Unlike Matt. Matt seems like a great guy with a lot going for him in life. In fact, if you were going to construct a list of things that Matt is bad at, there would be only one item on it — playing Survivor. Look, he’ll tell you himself: “Apparently I’m just not very good at this game of Survivor.” See! And it’s not just that you’re not very good, Matt. You’re really, really bad. First you get way too cuddly with the hot blonde and give Rob cause to vote you out. Then you get back in the game, and run right back to the person who engineered your ouster. And not only do you run back to him, but you tell him how much the other tribe loves you and wants to steal you away! See, this isn’t God’s will at play here, Matt, this is your will to be a big dummy in oversharing information. I get that you were perhaps in something of a no-win situation — the low man in either alliance — but you have to play the hand of cards you were dealt better than that. And now, even with all my reservations about what Redemption Island has done to dampen the drama at the end of each episode, and the news that it will be continuing past the merge, I have to admit, the only thing that could make that twist extension worthwhile would be seeing you battle your way back again, only to get voted out a third time by Boston Rob. It’s like Kenny on South Park: Keep bringing Matt back just to see him get killed off in new and exciting ways. I’m sorry, Matt. I don’t mean to laugh, but seriously, what else do you expect me to do?!?
Here are a few other notable moments from this week’s episode:
Sarita shows a bit of heart
“I was glad to see her because she doesn’t seem too incredibly tough,” said Matt when Sarita arrived at Redemption Island in perhaps the understatement of the season. And while I will admit to emitting an audible chuckle when Sarita commented that “I think I am a worthy opponent,” she actually performed capably in the endurance challenge to reenter the game, making it all the way down to the last peg before bowing out. Now, let’s not get carried away here. She still lost, and to a man who was putting all his pressure and weight directly on an injured foot. However, this was a decent effort and it was nice to see her show a little heart, even if it was too little, too late. Enough at least to warrant some final words after being kicked out, you’d think, but alas, no.
Instead, Probst gave the remaining contestants new buffs. Awesome! He told them they had merged. Awesome! He told them Redemption Island was still in play! Uh…less awesome? I’ve made my thoughts on Redemption Island clear. I feel it weakens the impact of the show’s signature moment, the vote-off, and that, to me, is a problem. So I was hoping that once someone reentered the game at the merge, that would be it. That seemed like a clean place to reset the game, but now, having people come and go once we’re down to an individual game and getting closer to the end? It feels a bit dicier.
NEXT: Oreos for all!