Maybe it’s because I constantly have beer on the mind, but is it just me, or is Redemption Island Arena, like, the dopest bar in town? Think about it: Over the past few weeks, it seems like everything that goes down there is something straight out of your neighborhood watering hole at around 2 a.m. You’ve got desperate girls (in this case, Stephanie and Krista) trying to pick up cocky boys (Rob and Grant). You’ve got dudes who used to be friends, but had a falling-out and are now trying to patch things up (Matt and Rob). You’ve got people who are trying their best to show off (Ralph and his Hidden Immunity Idol). You’ve got random crazy people yelling out accusations (Phillip). And you’ve got some depressed guy in a funny hat crying over in the corner to himself (Russell). Seriously, let’s get some Milwaukee’s Best up in this mofo and watch things really get crazy! With all the shameless product placement this show has crammed down our throats, it shouldn’t be too hard to airlift a few kegs of the Beast in there. You could even throw a Casa de Charmin around back for good measure.
There’s no doubt about it, Redemption Island is where the fireworks happen, and I’m not talking about the actual competitions. Last week it was Russell getting weepy over his elimination and then baiting Ralph into revealing he had a Hidden Immunity Idol. This week, Stephanie continued spilling secrets, telling the Ometepe representatives that “there’s a clear division” on Zapatera and “they may think they have the numbers, but I think yellow might look good on me.” (You sassy little minx!) The always skeptical Rob didn’t know whether to buy it or not — especially after what happened between Russell and J.T. on Heroes vs Villains — but he played along, telling them to “hang in there.” Rob, keeping all of his options open — just like a good Survivor player. Or a dude at a bar.
Okay, let’s take it from the very top. The episode begins with Phillip looking to do a little spooning with Boston Rob. “You have your underwear on?” Rob asks Phillip. “I have my underwear on,” responds the former federal agent, “but that doesn’t stop me, brother.” Whoa! What the hell does that mean? Is that something Survivors now have to put on the list of things to worry about while playing? Bugs, hunger, weather…anal rape? Is Phillip looking to administer his “Sheppard Stamp,” if you know what I’m talking about? And I think you know what I’m talking about. Well, you can’t blame Phillip for being a bit randy. After all, he was fresh off a visit to the Redemption Island Arena Bar & Grille — where anything goes. He flaunts his unique sexual magnetism again the next morning by sticking his rear end in Natalie’s and Ashley’s faces. “That is seriously hurting my eyes,” says Ashley. Oh, Ashley, please — don’t even pretend you don’t want a piece of that hot action. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
NEXT: Rob shows how to answer without actually answering