You know there are certain things about being a writer that kind of suck. Don’t get me wrong: I love writing. And while the fact that I have written more words about the reality television program Survivor than any other person on the planet may occasionally cause me to take a long hard look in the mirror and say “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE?!? And what’s up with that zit on your forehead? You’re a grown man, for crissakes. Why are you still getting zits?”, in the grand scheme of things, it’s been a blast. But back to why being a writer sucks. There’s simply nothing badass about it. Did you see Boston Rob willing his body past the breaking point to win an immunity challenge, then immediately collapsing in a mix of emotional victory and physical agony? Badass. Nothing I can do can compare to that. What am I gonna do, complain about a little writer’s cramp? Not badass. The most — most — I can hope to physically overcome is carpal tunnel syndrome, and that’s nothing some well-planned-out ergonomic repositioning can’t fix. See, I just used the phrase “ergonomic repositioning”! That’s how completely unbadass I am.
In fact, Jeff Probst has even taken it upon himself to publicly mock how physically unimposing we writers are. After a press-run time in a test run of the first immunity challenge in Survivor: Gabon bested the losing tribe’s time a day later, Probst actually chided the losers at Tribal Council for being beaten by a group of writers who “sit on their fat asses all day on their typewriters.” See, he thinks we still use freakin’ typewriters! That’s what a laughingstock we are!
If what you want in a Survivor contestant is someone who goes all-out all the time and plays every aspect of the game as hard as possible, then it doesn’t get much better than Boston Rob. It’s not his fault that no one else has stepped up to challenge him and this entire season has been the path of least resistance. He came to play — socially, strategically, and physically. He plays so hard that he collapsed for the second straight season. This time wasn’t quite as scary as his Heroes vs Villains blackout where a flu bug wreaked havoc on his body, but it still showed what a badass this guy is. Unlike me, the nerdy Poindexter with the laptop. (Yes, Jeff, a laptop!) But hey, if you can’t beat ’em — write about ’em! And with that, let’s take it from the top of episode 12 of Survivor: Redemption Island.
We start off with Redemption Island welcoming not one but two fresh new bodies in Ralph and Steve. “Redemption Island keeps on getting crazier and crazier,” says Mike. He’s right! It seems everyone is now hanging out there. It’s impossible to get eliminated on this show! In fact, rumor has it that Donald Trump has also convinced Probst to fly in La Toya Jackson and have her added to the game as well. Why? Why not!?!
NEXT: Another one bites the dust