Yes, I want to talk about Randy’s fatal flaw that sent him home. Naturally, I want to relive every single second of the brutal, porntastic challenge. And sure, I want to debate the merits of going and burying your own tribe’s machete. But let’s get our priorities straight and start with what really matters. I’m speaking, of course, about Coach rocking a feather earring at Tribal Council. Dude, are you auditioning to be the new Felipe Rose and become the Village People’s new Indian? (Yes, I know the names of all the Village People, including replacement members such as Ray Simpson — brother of Valerie Simpson of Ashford & Simpson fame, incidentally. And yes, shockingly, I am straight.) The feather was a bold call. Perhaps not quite as bold as draping your jacket over your shoulder as you go up to cast your vote, but bold nonetheless. I’m sure there is a story behind the feather that somehow involves pygmies, the Amazon, ritual sacrifice, and military choppers. I’m also sure that 99.9% of it is absolute fiction. Which is what makes the human cartoon character that is Coach so completely fascinating.
You know what else is fascinating? When an entire tribe talks about how dangerous a particular individual is, and then does nothing to get rid of said individual. It seems this entire episode centered around people delivering slight variations on the same ”Parvati is a huge flirt and is super dangerous because she has lots of friends on the other tribe and other people may be fooled by her act but I’m not because I know she needs to go now” speech. Jerri even went so far as to proclaim, ”Parvati is like a virus,” which made me happy because it means that, unlike Micronesia, this season I will not be the first person to compare Parvati to a sexually transmitted disease. (For those of you who missed out, I kidded during that season about a reward in which Parvati’s tribe welcomed two locals who showed off some keen fishing tips. I believe my offending line was, ”Surprisingly, however, it was the natives who showed Parvati and company how to catch crabs and not the other way around.” I thought it was kinda funny. Parvati and her mom — who gave me the stink eye at the 10th anniversary party — on the other hand? Not so much.) But after all that tough talk from the tribe, not a single person even voted for Parvati. Not even Jerri, who also revealed that, ”I’m at the point right now where every time I am around here, I just want to punch her in the face. That’s all I can think about, is taking her down.” (Parvati responded by referring to Jerri as a ”bitter old cougar,” because that’s what hot young women call older women when they get mad.)
Randy was right on the money when he opined that, ”This is Micronesia 2.0. And if you guys don’t see that, I don’t want to play the game with you anymore. I really don’t.” And the rest of the tribe generously took him up on that offer, voting his ass out. Randy may have been right, but he had two things going against him. First off, he wasn’t helping in the challenges at all. But his ultimate downfall was his inability to socially integrate himself into the rest of the tribe. Make no mistake, Randy is a very smart guy and a student of the game. But that doesn’t matter if you can’t make people want to keep you around. I’m not saying people hated him, but they certainly didn’t like him enough to overlook his physical shortcomings.
NEXT: A Courtney controversy?