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Survivor recap: Why Parvati Deserves to Win It All

Plus: Where this season ranks in terms of the best Survivor installments ever

Posted on

Robert Voets/CBS


TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Jeff Probst
Current Status:
In Season

It’s that time of the season, people. I always take some time after the penultimate episode to re-rank all the Survivor seasons and place the current installment in its proper slot. Heroes vs Villains has been great, but how great? Stay tuned to find out. Okay, so let’s get right to last night’s shenanigans so we can then get to the new updated rankings. The episode began with the Yin Yang tribe (worst tribe name ever, by the way) returning from a shocking Tribal Council and feeling that…

Colby: ”Reed! Reed! You freakin’ dumbass!”

Me: ”Uhhhh, Colby, what are you doing here and who are you yelling at?”

Colby: ”Oh, hey. Sorry, it’s my idiot of a brother. He’s just so infuriating that I wanted to make sure all your readers knew what a MORON he is.”

Me: ”I don’t know, Colby. He seemed like a decent…”

Colby: ”Decent? Decent? Did you see him try to catch the water I was throwing at him? That wasn’t decent. It was pathetic!”

Me: ”Well, I don’t know how to say this, my man, but you haven’t exactly been a ‘challenge dominator’ this season yourself, so…”

Colby: ”Did you just use air quotes to mock my performance in the challenges?! Did you just use air quotes?! Well let me tell you something: As awful as I have been — and yes, I have been awful — my brother is, like, a million times worse. YOU HEAR ME, REED! YOU SUCK! YOU TOTALLY COST ME A CHANCE TO GET SOME EXTRA AIR TIME PROMOTING THE PALM PRE FROM SPRINT! IT’S A WONDERFUL SMART PHONE, REED! A WONDERFUL SMART PHONE! BUT BECAUSE OF YOU, INSTEAD WE HAD TO HEAR THAT FROM FREAKIN’ PARVATI!”

Me: ”Okay, I think he gets it Colby. You know, this is your brother we’re talking about.”

Colby: ”Yeah, the brother from another planet. Planet Sucksville! He was sent there on the Battlestar Sucktacula by Admiral… uhhhhhh, Admiral Suckisucks!”

Me: ”I think we’re done here. Can I get back to my recap now?”

Colby: ”Only if you promise not to point out that I only lasted 15 seconds in the immunity challenge.”

Me: ”I can’t do that.”

Colby: ”Fine. But please make sure to check out my new website. http://www.reedsucksmorethanido.com.”

Sorry about that. Now where was I? Oh, right, Yin Yang coming back from Tribal Council. It was at this moment that Parvati proved why she has played this season better than anyone else. After being betrayed by Russell (who voted out Danielle), she commented to Jerri that, ”Russell’s the biggest villain this game has ever seen.” But did that mean she’d turn on her former alliance-mate? Nope. Because she realized that if Rupert or Colby make it to the end, they’ll win. She wasn’t playing with her heart. She was playing with her head. It’s easy to dismiss Parvati as a mere flirt, because, well, she flirts so damn well and enjoys sticking clues into her underwear. But she is also super smart and has been kicking tail in challenges as well. If you’re looking for the best overall performer this season, you’re looking at Parvati Shallow. She truly has become a triple threat, excelling in the social, strategic, and physical elements of the game. And maybe her mom will now like me a little better for writing that.

NEXT: Yeesh, Rupert