You have to hand it to the producers of Survivor. Even in their 19th season they’re still able to come up with unbelievable twists that you never see coming. I’m referring, or course, to their decision to field only one tribe for Survivor: Samoa. Truly a bold call. Sure, some “traditionalists” might try to cling to the past — back when the program trotted out two, three, even four tribes, but those days are over, people! We may only have one tribe, but their name is so nice you’ve got to say twice: Foa Foa! So I applaud the producers for this dramatic new direction and for being brave enough to…. Excuse me? What’s that? There is another tribe, you say? Something that starts with the letter G? Are you sure, because I’ve been watching these first two episodes pretty gosh darn closely and I don’t recall the cameras spending any time at another camp. I vaguely remember some sort of creature with a huge mullet and silly nickname, but that must have just been some local hired to row the contestants to shore. No, I’m pretty sure it’s just Foa Foa out there.
Waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiit a minute. You mean those people that Foa Foa have been competing against in challenges? They’re a tribe? Are you positive? Because I sure haven’t seen them at camp or anything. Okay, I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. Anyway, now that that’s all cleared up, let’s begin with episode two of Survivor: Samoa. The action began at—where else?—Foa Foa! And there’s Evil Russell once again telling us how “If you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.” Yeah, we got it — we got it the last time, in fact. Don’t play with fire. Jeez, hit a guy over the head with it, why don’t ya? E.R. and Betsy then took part in a truly awkward conversation that consisted of Russell informing Betsy that she made a huge mistake but that he still wanted to keep her around, and Betsy asking Russell to “agree that we don’t trust each other. But we can still talk.” Watch out, Betsy. You are coming dangerously close to playing with fire. And you know what happens to people who play with fire? They…. They… Oh crap, what is it again? I’ve already forgotten. Do they cook food? Is that it? Because let me tell you, there is nothing better than a hot meal. No, that’s not it. Do they…oh, I know! They get burned! Totally freakin’ burned!
Betsy, however, did not seem the slightest bit concerned, and we were off to the opening montage, which was missing last week. It was here now, complete with lots of people like Kelly, Monica, Brett, and Laura who I swear I have never seen before in my entire life. They must be in that tribe that starts with the letter G. Or Q. Honestly, I can’t remember. Galu! That’s what they’re called. I know that because we’re now actually at their camp for what feels like the first (and possibly last) time ever. Apparently, some chick named Yasmin is not so fond of the outdoors. She’s complaining that she has to walk like she has a stick up her butt. She’s complaining about being cold. She’s complaining about feeling nauseated. She’s complaining about the shelter. She’s complaining about the food. “I’ve been told so many times, if you can make it in Detroit, you can make it anywhere,” said Yasmin, who I am now going to assume is either from Detroit or the best non sequitur creator in the entire galaxy. “The hood is not the wood.” Um, okay.
NEXT: The birth and death of a “mean motorscooter”