Hey, all. It’s me, John Fincher from Survivor: Samoa! You know, the rocket scientist. I like to remind people about that, because, frankly, what’s the point of being a rocket scientist if you can’t go around bragging about being a rocket scientist? No point, really. Anyhoo, I want to tell you all about my awesome new instructional video I’ve just come out with. It’s called How To Screw Yourself Over In 60 Minutes Or Less. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Hey, John, I can screw myself over just fine, thanks. What makes you think you’re any better at it than I am?” Well, I’m glad you asked, Mr. Invisible Inquisitor. I don’t like to brag (I love to brag!), but I am a board-certified moron with a post-graduate degree in F-ing Up Beyond Belief. In other words: I am a professional and do this kind of stuff for a living. So let this rocket scientist drop a little more science on you, if I may, with my patented John Fincher Five-Point-Plan For Self-Destruction.
POINT 1: Act cold and heartless to people right after you’ve betrayed their best friend.
Remember in that scene right after Laura got sent home from Tribal Council where I told her best buddy Monica about how it was the right move for Foa Foa and also the right move for me? Showing no remorse after burning someone is a fantastic way to get a person to turn on you really fast. I can’t recommend it enough. What I’m doing here is laying the groundwork for the tides to later turn against me. Was it necessary? Perhaps not, but better to be safe than sorry, right? Safety first!
POINT 2: At an auction, always bid for items you don’t need, and make sure to get outbid for ones you do.
Okay, class, time to take some notes. Some people come to the Survivor food auction to chow down, and while you can definitely self-inflict by devouring a hearty meal (we’ll get to that in Point 3), the auction can present an incredible opportunity to screw yourself over in exciting new ways as well. Take my bidding on the item that Jeff Probst promised would give a significant edge in the next immunity competition. I immediately bid $300. This of course, was the bait, and sure enough Jaison took it. Did you see how he then spent his sweet time inquiring about what would happen if both players bid $500? Sure, I could have jumped in at any second and yelled “$500” and bought the item that would have most likely granted me individual immunity, but if you really want to up your lameness quotient, then you just sit silent like me and let someone else be handed another three days in the game on a silver platter. Now, see, most folks would have just stopped there, but this is where my How To Screw Yourself Over in 60 Minutes Or Less instructional video is going to give you a tip that the other so-called professional morons will not: After not bidding high enough on the only item that actually mattered, I threw money away on a completely useless object — a clue to a hidden immunity idol that had already been found! Of course everyone immediately knew that it had been found when Russell declined to bid on it, because if he didn’t have it, he would spend every cent to get it. Once realizing this, I immediately plunked down two Ben Franklins on the bad boy, thereby ensuring that I would also be the subject of a montage mocking me for searching for an idol that had long been removed. Make no mistake, style points definitely count. Why merely self-destruct when you can also look like a complete imbecile while doing so? It’s just common sense, people.
NEXT: More of my Five-Point-Plan!