“Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Coach’s Corner. We’re here talking to Coach and the topic this week on Coach’s Corner is leadership. Now, Coach, I’d like to start by asking you about…”
“Whoa there, mister. I think I’ll be asking the questions from now on.”
“Well, that’s what a leader would do — ask questions. So, I’ll take it from here, thanks.”
“Uh, okay. What would you like to know?”
“How incredible a leader am I? I mean, do I rule, or totally rule?”
“Well, I suppose that depends on…”
“I agree — totally rule all the way. Next question: Is my hair awesome, or totally awesome?”
“I’m no hairstylist so am not really qualified to answer that question, sir.”
Long awkward silence.
“Uhhhhhh, I’m sorry, Coach. Is there something else you wanted to ask me?
“Want to ask you? I’ve been asking you. I was asking you with my eyes! Couldn’t you tell? The question was: Did you prefer me in Under Siege or Marked for Death?”
“Definitely Under Siege. There’s nothing better than watching people get their butt kicked by a cook. Anyway, we’re out of time. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll see you next week on another exciting edition ofCoach’s Corner!”
Ahhhh, Coach. We kid because we love. But not so much with the love part. Our episode began with — Surprise! Surprise! — Coach dissing Erinn. “She said Brendan is a better leader, but she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. It pissed me off.” Other things that I imagine piss Coach off: people who disagree with him on how to properly cook beans, people who refuse to refer to him as “Coach,” people who happen to be women, people who notice that he is not very good in challenges, Scott MacIntyre fromAmerican Idol, since he is legally blind and therefore would be unable to follow the very explicit directions Coach gives via his eyes, people with the name Dalton Ross, and, finally, people with tattooed red and black faces who get their kicks by killing off Jedi.
Coach went on to describe Erinn as “the cancer of the tribe.” Wait a minute, I thought Candace was the cancer of the tribe. OH MY GOD, THE CANCER IS SPREADING! Who will be infected next?!? And why do I get the feeling that according to Coach, it will be another woman? While Coach was busy railing on Erinn, Erinn was busy picking her nose. The Timbira tribe then got together and decided they needed to officially pick something else — a leader, and a shocking thing happened. Coach actually bowed out somewhat gracefully (for him) and said Brendan should be the leader. Could this be the start of a kinder, gentler Coach? (Cue record scratch noise here.) “If Brendan got voted off and I was the leader,” Coach told the camera, “I think this tribe would be better.” Annnnnnnnnnd, he’s back. Apparently afraid that not quite everyone realized he was once again being a self-obsessed freakazoid, Coach went on to describe the rest of his tribe as New Kids on the Block, who, all things considered when you look at the history of boy bands, were not all that bad (at least until they started going by N.K.O.T.B.) He finished by incorrectly answering his own rhetorical question: “If you look at me, and you look at Brendan, who looks stronger? I do.” Of course you do, Coach.
NEXT: Sierra cracks a smile…kinda