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Survivor recap: Payback is a Bitch

The cocky Tyson revels in making Sierra’s life miserable, but who’s laughing in the end?

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Tyson Apostol
Monty Brinton/CBS

Survivor

type:
TV Show
genre:
Reality TV
run date:
05/31/00
performer:
Jeff Probst
broadcaster:
CBS
seasons:
34
Current Status:
In Season

I want to be clear about two things. The first is this: I’m no Sierra fan. I respect the way she was voted out by her tribe 5 minutes into the show yet has managed to stick around, but every time I see her in this game, she is looking depressed or whining about something. I seriously cannot recall a player (outside of maybe G.C.) who just looked so consistently miserable. The second thing I’d like be clear about is that I’m no Tyson hater. Yes, he became waaaaaay too pleased with himself, which was a big-time turn-off, and yes, he was unnecessarily rude to Sierra. But the guy wasentertaining, played challenges hard, and strategized even harder. He may have turned you off with his antics and LOOK AT ME! personality, but he was just what you want in a Survivor contestant: a person who plays to win every single second and throws off some humorous sound bites along the way. So again, to recap: Don’t love Sierra and don’t hate Tyson.

Now that we’ve established that, I’d like to say this right here and right now: That was absolutely DELICIOUS!!! It was impossible not to eat up what went down at Tribal Council, because even though Sierra is a big time downer, there is an undeniable thrill in watching an underdog (with not one single alliance member left) who has just been repeatedly told off by a superior-sounding ringleader sit there and watch the cocky bastard get his hat handed to him. Tyson, remember when you wanted Sierra to admit how badass it was when you blindsided Brendan? Well this, my friend, was 10 times more badass. That’s what happens when you act like God’s gift to reality television. And make no mistake: This is not to give any props to Sierra, because she had nothing to do with Tyson’s ouster. She looked even more shocked than he was by the vote. But we’ll get more into all of that later. First, let’s take it from the top.

The episode began with — surprise, surprise — Sierra acting depressed. She tried to make nice with Coach after Brendan’s ouster, but Coach threw it back in her face, upset at the fact that she wrote his name down because he was ”the only one who hadn’t lied.” (Uhhhhh, Coach, didn’t you tell Brendan and Sierra that you were voting out J.T? That’s not exactly telling the truth, now is it?) ”In love and war, it’s kill or be killed,” explained Coach. Really, Coach? In love it is kill or be killed? So, does that mean that my marriage is a complete sham because I have yet to murder my wife or be murdered by her? I know Probst wants to start a new show called The Dragon Slayer, but I have my own program I’d like to pitch. The title: Loveline with Dr. Coach. Here’s a taste:

”Hello, you’re on with Dr. Coach, the love doctor. What can I help you with today?”

”Oh, hey, Coach. Longtime viewer, first time caller. So, Coach, I have this woman I work with and she’s uh, really hot, and I think I kinda have a crush on her. What should I do?

”Simple. Kill her.”

”Excuse me?!?”

”You heard me — kill her. It’s an ancient Samurai code to kill any woman you have any attraction to whatsoever. Oh, and don’t bother Googling it. It’s passed down verbally — but not by women, because the Samurai killed them all.”

”Uh, I don’t think I want to kill her. Plus, won’t that land me in jail? Jail sucks.”

”You know, when I was paratrooping out of a military chopper in the Amazon, some Peruvian dwarves tried to haul me off to jail. Unfortunately, I learned to love the tribe…so I had to kill them. WITH MY EYES!!!”

NEXT: Sierra makes teenagers appear mature