Before we get into last night’s Survivor episode, I’d like to begin with a plea to Corinne. Corinne, I know you’re not exactly what one would call “cuddly.” You proudly described yourself as a bitch, have lied blatantly on résumés, and once attacked a fellow camper with a tennis racquet. So, empathy, I’m guessing, is not really your bag. But there’s someone who needs you right about now. Someone in pain. Someone in blinding, horrible pain. Someone who knows something is wrong but can’t quite put his finger on what it is. And that person is…Charlie. That’s right, your new BFF no doubt woke up screaming “Noooooooooo!” in the middle of the night as his straight-man boyfriend’s torch was snuffed out at tribal council. Perhaps he and Marcus discussed the possibility of having their torches snuffed and perhaps they didn’t. Perhaps Charlie meant it in a sexual way and perhaps Marcus didn’t. We’ll never know. (We do know that Marcus said before the game that he would flirt with people if necessary. In fact, he told me that.) In any event, Charlie now needs a shoulder to cry on. And while he’d no doubt prefer a big, hulking, sweaty one, that shoulder is no longer available to him, so Corinne, I hope you’ll offer him yours. Especially since he was my pre-game pick to win the million dollars, and the last thing I need is for him to fall apart on me.
Now that we’ve got that settled, ALL HAIL THE KING! The self-proclaimed king, that is. “With all due respect to President Bongo, I am the new king of Gabon,” announced Randy. “I’m sorry, but I rule.” You know what, Randy? You kinda do! Yes, Randy has gone a bit too far by unnecessarily taunting his opponents and has hammed it up for the cameras a bit much, but the dude is playing the game and playing it hard. Plus, the old curmudgeon is flat-out entertaining. His pride in this instance was stemming from…well, let’s back it up a bit. The two tribes were told to meet in a neutral location for a massive feast. A feast…of doom!!! Okay, maybe that’s a bit strong, but there were several twists awaiting our face-stuffing favorites (whoa, slow down there on the grub, Kenny). First off, there was a mystery box sitting in the middle of the table. A mystery box…of doom!!! (Sorry, I have to stop doing that.) But before we could get to the mystery box, Ken and Charlie both spotted the corner of a mystery sheet. A mystery sheet… …of paper!!! (Doesn’t quite have the same oomph, does it?) The paper ended up being a clue — a painfully easy clue — to the location of another immunity idol. Kenny tried to keep the clue to himself, but Charlie ripped it from his hands as if it contained erotic naked pictures of Marcus. At that point, the rest of the contestants were let in on it. What to do? Awkward!
Randy and Marcus had an idea — chuck it! Brilliant move on their part. The chances of either of them landing it at that point were much worse than a rival using it against them, so to ensure that didn’t happen, they shamed everyone into simply getting rid of it. I know some of you will say that had Marcus had the idol, he might still be in the game, but again, there was hardly any way he could have cleanly nabbed it. Plus, he had to react to what he knew at that point; there’s no way he could have guessed what was in the mystery box. Ah, the box. What could it be? What did it mean? Oh, the anticipation! Oh…it’s another tribe shake-up. Um, okay. Was I the only one who felt a bit let down? Hell, I think I have whiplash trying to keep track of all these tribal shake-ups. Obviously, the producers have been less than thrilled with the action this season, so they’ve been trying to ignite sparks themselves by constantly throwing all the playing pieces into the air and seeing where they land.
NEXT: Crystal’s athletic prowess