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One vote. That is how close we came to having a new worst Survivor winner in history. One vote! Susie was one vote away from winning the million dollars! Look, I actually like Susie. Spoke to her before the game, and we had a simply lovely chat sprinkled with many an expletive and discussion about her having sex on the beach with her husband. (I know—ewwwww.) But it would have been a complete and utter disaster had she won. And don’t give me any garbage about her being worthy for winning the last house of cards challenge. It was a freakin’ house of cards challenge! (More on that later.)
But thankfully, she didn’t. Frankly, I would have been fine with either Bob (for his challenge domination) or Sugar (for orchestrating Crystal’s ouster), but it was clear Sugar wasn’t going to get any votes, so it came down to Bob to save us from Susiegate. And he did — bow tie and all. Okay, it’s late — I mean, really late. Stupid football overrun — so let’s get to it. Gonna do something a bit different tonight and do quick-hit takes from the finale. It’s go time, people!
Liked… Bob doing a little smack-talking. When Kenny wondered aloud if Bob would give Kenny the next idol he won, his response was perfect: “Why don’t you just get your own idol?” Oh, snap! The physics teacher is dropping a little science on game boy!
Was frightened by… Bob’s outfit and paint job at the first immunity challenge. Dude, what’s up with the short shorts? This isn’t an early-1980s NBA game. Waaaaaay too much leg going on there. I did, however, love how the red paint on his beard wouldn’t fully come off for the rest of the game so he looked like a cannibal after a meal.
Laughed… After Bob just edged out Susie and Matty to win the first immunity, and then Sugar looked around and wondered “Where’s Suzy?” Um, where Suzy usually is — in last place, not even close. (Oh, just you wait. She’s great with cards!)
Angered me to no end… When Susie explained her strategy to Probst at the first tribal council as “I wait for people to tell me what to do. I’m not strategically making moves.” AND THEY ALMOST HANDED THIS WOMAN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!
Loved, loved, loved… Bob serving up Kenny at tribal council. Kenny tried to go after the teach again for going back on his word when it came to the immunity idol, so Bob called him out for planning to take his idol and then vote him off. Kenny tried to lamely defend himself. It was awkward and painful to watch. And kind of fun.
Impressed by… Kenny’s parting words after being voted out. Like Crystal, he showed a lot of class during his exit. I liked Kenny’s game a lot. He just needed to cut down on the awesome-is-me chatter. Which even he seemed to acknowledge at the reunion.
Almost feel asleep during… The Fallen Comrades. I’ve always hated this segment of the finale, when contestants pretend to give a crap about the people they voted out. At least we got to see Ace get hit in the face with a watermelon, and Sugar compare Randy to a farting noise.
NEXT: The contestants fall like a house of cards