Before we get into this week’s Survivor episode, I have to tell you a funny story about something that happened to me recently. The night began with a stretch limousine, a bottle of Cuervo, and a deck of cards…
We interrupt this column to bring you this special EW.com bulletin. This just in: Dalton Ross is a moron. Of course, you knew that already, but the editor-at-large proved it once again with last week’s Survivor TV Watch. The Watch itself was fine enough. And he remembered to plug the website’s new webcast, Survivor Talk, where he and Josh Wolk interview the ousted contestant. But Ross forgot to involve you, the reader! He neglected to inform you that you too can be a part of the process. Each week, the best question from the message boards will be posed to the castoffs themselves. Got a question for Yau-Man? Then post it below, and if it doesn’t completely suck, we may ask it, giving you full credit, of course. Oh the Internet fame you will achieve! Granted, ”Internet fame” is a bit of an oxymoron, but it will at least give you bragging rights on this board for a while. Okay, we now return you to your regularly scheduled column, already in progress…
…and that’s the story of how I got into a pillow fight with Parvati and Amanda at the Playboy Mansion. Ahhhh, good times. Anyway, so where were we? Oh, right! episode 3 of Survivor: Micronesia. Look, I know Mark Burnett is all into the celebrity-reality thing, and I’ll admit to watching this latest edition of The Apprentice, even if the sight of Piers Morgan and Omarosa makes me throw up a little, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would enlist Kiss to partake in a Survivor reward challenge. There was Gene Simmons — fresh off his Celebrity Apprentice firing — plowing people into the water. There was Paul Stanley trying to suck face with the ladies he was dragging down into his love pool. And there was Peter Criss getting absolutely pummeled and shouting out to no one in particular, ”Why is it everybody picks on the drummer? We have feelings too!” Hold on a sec…That wasn’t Kiss in the makeup? Well, then Jason, Erik, Natalie, and Joel are the best-looking Kiss cover band I’ve ever seen.
Let’s be honest, this past episode was all about two things — the ascension of Cirie to power player and a reward challenge where anything and everything went. When it comes to challenges, the Survivor motto is basically, when in doubt, have scantily clad people start tackling each other. And it is a good motto, a motto I support wholeheartedly. Both sides looked confident heading into the event: Eliza proclaimed, ”We’re going to decimate them. There’s no way we’re losing this challenge.” Not bad. Not bad at all. But she wasn’t threatening to kill anyone. Joel, however, had no problem drawing an analogy between game-show contestants and home invaders. Me kill! Me kill everyone! Unga-bunga!
Strangely, however, Mr. Unfrozen Cavemen Lawyer was not involved in any of the eight big moments of the challenge. Moment No. 1 occurred when a half-pantless Jonathan Penner slammed into Alexis. Moment No. 2 was when Eliza tried to pull Erik’s pants down while he dragged her into the end zone and then intentionally whacked her in the face with his bag. Moments Nos. 3 to 7 were me rewinding and watching Eliza getting hit in the face over and over again. And moment No. 8 was Erik flipping Amanda into the water, causing James to run into the fray to defend her honor. Hope Parvati didn’t get jealous. Just to make sure she still had her claws in her man, Parvati (or ”Parv,” as she’s now annoyingly referred to) went out of her to way to compliment him on his performance. ”You were just giggle, giggle terminatinggiggle, giggle and throwing people left and right. I was very impressed.”
It was right around this time after the challenge that Cirie began to take control. She told Amanda and Parvati that she would join their kissy-kissy alliance, but only if they voted off Yau. Whether this was because she felt it was her best strategic move or she was still upset that no one was washing her clothes and cooking special meals remains unclear, but that was her position and she was sticking to it. And thank God she did, because it led to some fabulously uncomfortable moments. It started with the couples telling Cirie all about how they wanted Eliza to go instead of Yau — only to have Eliza walk right up behind them. Awkward! Then we had Cirie and Jonathan going at it hard-core about her siding with the kissy-kissies, and who should walk right up but Amanda, Ozzy, and Parvati. Awkward! (My absolute favorite part of this was Cirie defending herself against charges of being a hanger-on by asking Penner, ”How far did you go?” on the Cook Islands.)
NEXT: The single people’s alliance crumbles