”You’re crazy. You’ll officially go down as the dumbest Survivor ever. In the history of Survivor. Ever.” — Parvati
She’s right, you know. He will. Erik will go down as the dumbest Survivor ever. In the history of Survivor. Ever. Step aside, Ian. Move over, James. Bow down at the altar of idiocy, Ozzy and Jason. Because Erik is your new lord and master of the moronic. He now, like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles, is the undisputed King of the Dips—s. Who would have thunk that a collection of past players and hardcore fans would produce such a glorious collection of complete dingbats?
I think you should sit down now because I’m about to say something that may shock you. Are you sitting? I have to assume so, because it would be very awkward if you were reading a computer screen standing up. Okay, here goes. This is the best season of Survivor since the very first one. There, I said it. And there’s no taking it back, either. This is the Internet — crap statements like that live on forever. Not only is it the best season of Survivor since Richard Hatch took home the loot, but these past four episodes constitute the most amazing month-long run in the history of the show. Four straight blindsides done in the most dramatic fashion possible (Ozzy not using his hidden immunity idol, Jason not using his hidden immunity idol, Amanda shocking everyone with her hidden immunity idol, and then Erik — and I still can’t even believe it as I’m typing it — giving away immunity for absolutely no reason whatsoever). That’s right — no reason. How could he possibly think he was in trouble with that jury? He hadn’t backstabbed or offended anyone? Parvati, Cirie, and Natalie all had more enemies over there than he did. But the women convinced him otherwise. Let’s break down the master plan and how it came to pass.
Erik got himself in trouble by telling different stories to different players — something basically every Survivor player ever has done. Still, this made the women angry because they’re the ones who are supposed to be double-dealing in this game, not the brain-dead strategy-less men. But you know what? Who cares? Because Erik won immunity. (At a challenge that only really excited me when they went to an overhead shot and all the crisscrossing ropes made the course look like a giant, evil pentagram. By the way, Satan would so kick ass at Survivor. I ever play this game, I’m totally aligning myself with thatguy).
So Erik’s safe — again. No worries, right? But then Cirie, wonderfully wicked Cirie — who has played a tremendous strategic game thus far — has an idea. An idea just so crazy that it might work. Get Erik to give his immunity necklace to Natalie, telling him he needed to do it to redeem himself. (As if Survivor and redemption make any sense in the same sentence.) ”Why would he fall for that?” asked Natalie. ”Ozzy, Jason, and Erik,” announced Parvati. ”He belongs in that threesome.” And if anyone knows the ins and outs (and ins and outs and ins and outs) of a threesome, I daresay it’s Parvati. But how the hell would they sell this insanity to Erik? My memory is a little hazy, but I’m pretty sure the conversation went a little something like this:
NEXT PAGE: How the conversation went