Dawson and Probst sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes an offspring with dimples in a baby carriage. At least that’s how the scenario went in Dawson’s dreams. And make no mistake, Dawson has dreamed about kissing Jeff Probst many, many times. If you watch my video interview with her at the end of this article, you will see that she dreamed of doing a lot more than merely kissing the Survivor host.
Which is why when Dawson’s expression went all glassy and she refrained from moving after Probst snuffed her torch at Tribal Council, I had a feeling what was to come next. Indeed, the Probstaholic leaned in and puckered up. But then — TRAGEDY! Probst gave her the head dodge! Oh, snap! Woman got voted out and head dodged! Sure, she was able to plant one on his cheek while being on the receiving end of a smile and a half hug. Not bad, but she no doubt left pondering the possibilities of what could have been. In her dreams, it probably went down a little something like this:
Jeff accepts kiss, open mouth and all. He then immediately sweeps Dawson off her feet, carrying her off the Tribal Council set down Survivor’s infamous blue-lit walk of death. Only the blue lights all magically turn red — THE COLOR OF PASSION!!! Probst then has her straddle his humongous jet ski — this is not a euphemism — and they race across the Pacific Ocean all the way to America. (What? He did it with the final Tribal Council votes once. The gas tank on that thing is incredible!)
Probst then jet skis straight trough the door of his Los Angeles mansion (for this is a special jet ski developed by the military, complete with super powers like the ability to traverse roads), finds his gorgeous wife Lisa and yells, “You want to know what you’re playing for? A DIVORCE!” After storming out and back onto his secret jet ski prototype (Code Name: Host Protocol), he and Dawson head straight for Vegas and consummate their love by wedding at the Quick n’ EZ Chapel of Luv, where upon pressing up against each other for their first kiss as man and wife, Dawson looks into her new husband’s eyes and asks, “Is that a hidden immunity idol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Kiss. Scene. Final credits.
Of course, it didn’t quite go down like that, but it could have been worse. At least the host with the most didn’t throw her into the fire pit a la Randy’s fake hidden immunity idol in Gabon. Dawson, you just kissed Jeff Probst! Your life is complete, girl! And my life will not be complete until I complete my 5,374th Survivor recap, so let’s get to it and take it from the top.
Having just voted out God’s Perfect Creature, Malcolm and Denise return to their beach guessing that night 10 will be their last at Matsing before they are absorbed into the other two tribes. And that means they need to swat all these damn flies out of their faces and go find that idol! After much searching and swearing, Malcolm finally locates it. Good for Malcolm. Bad for Denise who will have to go idol-less when they are inevitably split up.
Hey, let’s pause for the cause and welcome back our ol’ friend Reward Challenge! Reward Challenge don’t come around these parts so much no more. He’s a rebel, that Reward Challenge. A loner. But the absence of Redemption Island and the soon-to-be absence of three tribes means our good pal is back. We can’t quit you, Reward Challenge!
NEXT: Everybody loves Malcolm