Morons. Idiots. Imbeciles. Nincompoops. Knuckleheads. Oh, forget this PG-13 crap. YOU MOTHER#&%*ing #&%* FOR BRAINS!!! WHAT THE #&%* ARE YOU THINKING?!? I’m talking to you, Penner! And you, Skupin! You have both played this game before. You should know better. And don’t think you’re off the hook either, Malcolm and Lisa! You two are both super fans of the show who have watched every episode. You do know better. It is one of the most basic and simple of Survivor rules, but apparently, judging by your actions in this most recent episode of Survivor: Philippines, it bears repeating. So say it with me: YOU NEVER, EVER, EVER BID A SINGLE DOLLAR ON A SINGLE FOOD AUCTION ITEM UNTIL PROBST SAYS THE WORD “ADVANTAGE” AND THEN YOU BID IT ALL.
Seriously, how hard is that? I know you’re hungry out there. And I get that there is nothing in the world more delicious than bacon. Hell, my t-shirt says it all — I would be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees. But let’s think about the big picture, people. You’re here for a million dollars. Are you aware of how much bacon that buys you? Enough bacon to clog all six of your arteries, for crissakes. Plus, the way auctions have gone in the past, there is always one poor sucker (in this case, Carter) that has to give into peer pressure and trade in his purchased meal for more food for the entire tribe, so it’s not like you won’t get food by doing nothing more than sitting on your bum and using your money for the only thing that actually, you know, matters.
Suffice it to say I was very disappointed that a group of seemingly savvy players would make such a boneheaded move. Sure, Malcolm may have acted happy that Abi used the advantage she bought to win immunity, thereby making Penner the target, but that very easily could have been him whistling into the cold, blue light of death instead. Why take that risk? As for Penner, well, I hope that $100 fried chicken was worth it, buddy. That’s your second awful move of the past two episodes. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. And Lisa…oh, Lisa. It is our first true Survivor spat, my darling. Well, second, if you include last week’s Redskins-Cowboys Twitter feud. (Speaking of which, what was that final score again?) How could you betray my love like this? I know you are well seasoned at taking both the good and the bad, but this was all bad, all the time. Let’s never speak of it again.
So Abi lives to annoy another week! Another week to bitch. Another week to complain. Another week to figure out how to fit the voting parchment into the urn. And another week to cause jury member RC’s face to light up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. But you know what? Abi deserves it. She was the only one out there smart enough to save her money. So good for her. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna hug her or anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Penner’s hug refusal was pretty much the only good move he actually made in the past two weeks. But if everyone else was going to be dumb enough to allow Abi to get the advantage, then they deserve to be stuck with her for three more days.
And it looks like you are stuck with me for another Survivor recap, so let’s take it from the top. The episode is only seconds old before it is revealed that Abi will not, in fact, be going home after all. The obvious clue is Denise telling us that Abi is the next to be voted out “unless she miraculously wins immunity.” Cue miracle. Actually, before that, cue food auction.
NEXT: Jeff Probst tries to steal Skupin’s booze