Before we get to this week’s Survivor recap, I’d just like to set the record straight on something. There have been some nasty rumors going around and I want to put a stop to them right here and right now. That Baby Ruth candy bar sitting on my coffee table? Not poop. I swear! Look, this is a common problem — one which the members of Bushwood Country Club themselves made during Caddy Day at their pool — but I promise, not poop. While we’re at it — my naturally brunette hair? Not poop. The mulch in our front garden? Totally not poop. The Cleveland Browns football team? Well, their play could certainly be described as stinky, but again, last time I checked, not poop.
Now, you have no reason to challenge anything I just told you. But what if I handed you a pair of underwear with a big brown stain and claimed it was merely “dirt?” You’d no doubt be a tad bit skeptical. So what to make of Tarzan’s claim that “it is not poop. It is dirt”? Well, I’ve examined the evidence (meaning the show, not the actual…you know, “evidence”) and it’s tough to say. Working in Tarzan’s favor: He is out in the wild, so when pressed by Sabrina as to “Why is there dirt just concentrated in one area, and not around everywhere else?,” his defense that “It’s near my butt where I sit on the ground,” is, indeed, plausible. People get dirty on Survivor. That’s a fact. Working against Tarzan: The fact that the underwear in question belongs to a man named Tarzan who doesn’t seem particularly concerned with personal hygiene. Had it been Jay or Christina or…well, pretty much anyone else, I would have bought the dirt excuse.
Truth be told, I was ready to even buy it for Tarzan. And then he threw his possibly poopy underwear right on top of Chelsea’s shorts. That turned the tide for me. The way he cavalierly tossed it in the pot right as Chelsea was busy washing her clothes — completely oblivious and uncaring about anyone or anything but himself — told me everything I needed to know. It’s poop. Straight up poop. Don’t get me wrong, he may think it’s dirt. But it’s poop. Hell, this guy can’t even remember anyone’s name or what rewards he is responsible for winning. You think he really knows what is going on down in his underwear? Hell to the no. It’s settled then: Tarzan is Mr. Poopy Pants. So hard feelings to you, Mr. Poopy Pants!
Now that a verdict has been reached in the case of The People of Tikiano Vs. Greg “Tarzan” Smith’s Fecal Matter, let’s take it from the top of the episode. The newly merged tribe returns from Tribal Council to find champagne and cheese waiting for them. Michael celebrates by almost knocking Christina’s eye out with the champagne cork. Amazingly, Alicia does not go and retrieve said cork and jam it into Christina’s eye socket repeatedly. I guess she’s too busy doubling up on her allotted alcohol intake thanks to straight edge Jonas. In Alicia’s defense — and this may be the only time I ever defend Alicia — listening to the slooooooooow speaking Jonas take 312 hours to complete a single sentence would no doubt drive me to drink as well. In fact, now that…
Wait, what the hell is happening? We actually have a full Survivor opening credits theme and montage! Well, not completely full as it only shows the players still remaining, but still, when’s the last time we saw one of these? Probst always says how they’ve gotten rid of the opening theme because there is simply too much good stuff to cram into an episode. Not this week, it seems! (Hey if Tarzan didn’t crap his pants who knows what they would have done to fill time — start showing opening credits from previous seasons too just for the hell of it?)
NEXT: Leif impersonates a turtle