I’m a jerk. That’s the conclusion I came to after watching this latest episode of Survivor: One World. Because I’m pretty sure the world can be pretty much divided into two types of people: the type that would offer aid and assistance to shivering and suffering women in the form of shelter and fire, and the type that would say “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” in order to make them suffer as much as possible before the next challenge. Guess which group I fall into. But here’s the thing. I wouldn’t take pleasure in their pain (like I do in watching them on television, for instance). It would strictly be for the competitive advantage. And don’t feed me this nonsense about being nice so that they’ll vote for you to win the money 33 days later. If you make this dastardly decision as a tribe, then they hate your entire tribe equally and the thing is a wash. (Similarly, if you decide to give them fire and shelter, your tribe is loved equally and you have gained nothing in the least in terms of favor.)
It’s clear what I’m trying to do here — I’m trying to rationalize my jerkiness away. Not really working, is it? I mean, it’s difficult when you also have the mountain of evidence that is 10 years of Survivor recaps working against you. But contrary to all the horrible things I have written about perfectly fine people in these here posts, I actually can be a semi-decent guy. I mean, I feel kinda bad when I watch nature documentaries and see some lonely polar bear looking sad about all his ice melting away. I once didn’t wait till the very last second to cut in front of all these cars sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic waiting to exit the highway, even though I totally could have! And, above all, I have never, ever, ever referred to a black person as “ghetto trash.”
COLTON! What are you doing? You’re sitting there talking about how you dislike so many people on your tribe and I’m like, yeah, I can see that. Some of them are a bit on the douchey side. Then you zeroed in on Bill and his insistence on repeating the word “bro” ad nauseam and I said to myself, okay, that’s mildly funny. I understand how that could be a bit annoying, Then you told Bill to “go kill yourself,” and I was like, hmmmm, that’s a tad on the extreme side. And then you went there. “You’re ghetto trash. Like, that’s all you are.” Annnnnnnnnd, you lost me.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time a white person has called a black person “ghetto trash” on this show. You may recall Ben in Survivor: Samoa addressing Yasmin with the very same term, which was especially unfortunate because Yasmin was clearly out of her mind and there were so many inoffensive words Ben had at his disposal to play with, yet he still managed to go for the one that made him look like a complete ass. And amazingly, Colton comes off even worse, because Bill did absolutely nothing to irritate him. I mean, sure, he says “bro” a lot, but what do you expect from a comedian known for performing as a zany character named Broey Broinstien? And, for the record, I’m pretty sure Broey Broinstien doesn’t hang out in the ghetto. The point of all of this is that while I may be a jerk for not allowing the women in my shelter, I can take comfort in the fact that I am not a racist jerk. So to quote the wise Carl Spackler, at least I got that going for me…which is nice. And with that, let’s take it from the top of the episode.
NEXT: The women don’t need the men’s charity…or do they?